Finding The Goddess In Me

New Moon Countdown Official Poster

2009-05-19T13:18:00.001-04:00

Betrayal

2009-03-11T15:50:00.001-04:00

Jane was in a state of shock as she drove home. Her thoughts were in a blur since forty-five minutes ago when she had learned that she had to be let go off work because of “organizational restructuring”, as they called it. Jane knew what that meant. The company was struggling for a while now to find a way to weather the economic downsizing that could be felt everywhere these days; however, she was still bitter. Her self-preservation instincts had taken over and she found it hard to be understanding of the whole situation. It had taken all of thirty minutes for her to pack up eight years of time spent in her little cubicle, and now she was driving home without any hope that she would ever be back there again.
The only thing she was thankful about was the fact that it was still relatively early morning. That meant that Brandon would be at work, and she had about six hours to spend alone, to think this through and calm down before she had to explain the whole thing to her husband of five years. Jane had no idea how he would react. Something told her he would be upset, and not just about the regretful situation, as it would be expected, but with her. In the past year alone, they had become too distant. Sometimes she felt she didn’t know him anymore. Still, she hoped it was all due to their busy lifestyle; burden they had both accepted to live with when they decided to join Brandon’s fancy executive social circles. She thought that once they got used to it or the stress for the sake of making appearances wore off, they would be happy again.
Jane pulled up into the drive way of their two-storey home. Although she turned off the ignition, she still couldn’t get out of the car. The sun was shining bright, and on any other day Jane would have wished to be free to go outside and enjoy it for once instead of being trapped in her cubicle during most hours of daylight. How ironic, she thought. The sun had no appeal to her at that moment; if anything, it irritated her with its brightness. The whole moment was just wrong.
With a heavy sigh she finally opened the door of her car and got out carrying a medium sized box which was filled with her personal knick-knacks from the office. She was glad again that Brandon was at work, so she could empty the box and disperse the contents of it throughout the house. He would never even notice.
Her steps hurried once she realized that even if Brandon wasn’t home, some of her neighbors might be, and no one would mistake what her appearance in the middle of the morning with the open plain brown box would mean. Her eyes immediately fell to the bright yellow brick of the Harper house beside theirs. Mary Harper was a house wife, or a house diva, Jane snorted out loud at the thought and smirked. Nothing could escape that woman – she knew anything and everything. I wouldn’t be surprised she knew I would be let go before me, Jane’s eyes glazed over with disgust as she reached her door and unlocked the front door.
The house was quiet and it soothed her. She dropped the box on the kitchen counter and threw her jacket and handbag over it. There was no hurry to get rid of the evidence yet. I need a drink, she thought and moved to the long cupboard where they housed a wide spread of alcoholic beverages. Entertaining paid off, she smirked again and picked up a bottle of something strong.
“Jane!?” a male voice suddenly called from upstairs.
Jane froze, almost dropping the bottle of whisky she picked up.
“Brandon???” she said to herself, not sure if the sound carried enough for him to hear.
“Jane, is that you?” Brandon’s voice was urgent.
What is he doing at home?? “Yeah, it’s me Brandon!” she called finally.
It took Jane a second to notice that he would probably be wondering why she wasn’t on her way to see him upstairs. She pushed the whisky bottle back in the cupboard and turned to the box on the kitchen counter. Crap, crap, crap! She picked up the box with her jacket and handbag and looked around her to see where she could stash it. Laundry room was the closest thing open to her where Brandon possibly wouldn’t be going in any time soon. She almost threw the box on the washer and shut the door of the laundry room on her way out.
“Jane?!” Brandon called again.
“I am coming, Brandon!” she shouted, walking to the stairs that led to the second floor.
“NO!” his voice shot up by two octaves. “I am coming down in a sec.”
Jane stopped by the bottom of the stairs and almost exhaled loudly with relief of having a couple of more seconds to herself. How would she explain what she was doing home this early in the day to him? Should she lie to gain more time, or should she tell him the truth right away?
She returned to the kitchen listening intently for his approaching steps. So far he was still upstairs, she could hear him going into the bathroom and exiting and moving around their bedroom probably. Oh, man, of all days for him to be home in the morning! How many times have I daydreamed of us meeting up at home for lunch and having a quickie or something, she smiled to herself nervously. This whole day is messing with me, she thought.
Jane finally heard him on the stairs as he came down.
“What are you doing at home?” he asked appearing behind the wall.
Jane noticed his brows were furrowed in agitation as his eyes bored into her.
Definitely lie.
“I didn’t feel good when I got to work this morning.” Her hand flew to her abdomen instinctively. “I had cramps whole morning and I am feeling a little nauseous…It’s probably some virus or something, or something I ate…” Jane bent slightly over her hand at her abdomen, hoping she looked as sick, as she was trying to be. “I asked Bill to take over my projects so I can go home for the day.” She almost finished the last statement with the question. She had no idea if she sounded believable.
Jane peaked at Brandon under her lashes to see his reaction to her lies. She couldn’t read his face at all.
“Oh…” was all he said.
“What…what are you doing home at this hour?” Jane asked finally, as if the thought just occurred to her. Her hand was still at her abdomen, and she tried to make her voice sound as weak as possible.
Brandon shifted nervously but straightened back in the same second. “I spilled coffee on my shirt at the office. I had an hour between meetings, so I thought I would come home and change before I have to go back into town to see a client,” he said and shifted his eyes from her pulling on the sleeves of his new shirt.
“Oh…” was all she said too.
Both of them stood silently for a minute facing each other. Jane noticed that something was just ‘off’ with him, but didn’t dare ask at the moment as she just wanted him gone from the house until she had time to think.
“Um…I think I’ll go to bed now. I am really not feeling that well.” She said and stepped in the direction of the stairs.
“No!” he shouted. Jane almost jumped at the sounds of his voice, as her wide eyes darted to him.
What?
“I mean, don’t go upstairs yet…I have some time…Why don’t you lay down here in the living room, while I make you some tea?” Brandon smiled and his face warmed up in a weird grimace.
Whatever was wrong with him, Jane wouldn’t object. He was obviously worried about her, and she felt even guiltier about lying to him at the moment.
She moved to the couch then and sat lifting her legs up too. Brandon moved fast around the kitchen to put some water in the kettle to boil, and looked for the mug at the same time. He turned to her again, “I am going upstairs to bring you a blanket or something,” he said and darted to the stairs. Jane wanted to call after him to tell him that there was a blanket over the couch she could use, but he was already gone up the stairs.
She started after him for a while thinking how this day is getting weirder by each passing second.
The kettle started whistling after a while, and Brandon was still not back. Jane got up to make it stop as the sound was just piercing her ears. She wondered if she should let him pour the hot water in her mug, just to let him feel as if he’s done something for her like he wanted to, but she was already up, it just wouldn’t make any sense. Does anything make any sense today; she smirked at her inner remark, darting back to the couch before he could come back.
Shit, I forgot the mug. Oh, he would get it…whatever!
Jane sighed and stared back at the stairs again. What the heck is taking him so long? Did he even hear the kettle?
Jane suddenly felt like she was in some play and the actors were all wrong on the stage searching for their right places. She could still hear him walking around upstairs. His steps were heavy and too hurried and irrational for her to gather what he could be doing. If she didn’t know any better she would think he was cleaning up or moving the furniture around, but she knew their house was always spotless and mess-free as neither of them needed cleaning after.
“Brandon! You can find some spare blankets in our linen closet, top shelf!” she decided to shout out to help him maybe.
There was no answer.
Jane got up and approached the stairs as if she were afraid she would be found out from leaving her designated spot. She saw his figure then at the top of the stairs, but his face was turned still to their bedroom door as if he was looking at someone else and pleading with his eyes – communicating without words. Jane turned to go back to her spot on the couch before he would see her, but an unmistakable sound of their bedroom door closing froze her in place.
It just didn’t make sense. Brandon was still at the top of the stairs. He was nowhere near the door to close them. So who did?
“Brandon?” she looked at him with dumb expression on her face.
Brandon froze at the sound of her voice below, noticing for the first time that she was standing just at the bottom of the stairs. He carried a light blue blanket in his hands which dragged on the floor behind him.
“What was that??” Jane asked, anxiety coloring her voice. “Is somebody in our bedroom?”
Brandon took a step down still dragging a blanket behind him, but stopped again.
“No, no..it’s probably just a draft – I opened the window to air the bedroom.” He blurted, words overlapping and scrambling in his misplaced voice. She understood all of his words, but his eyes were so frantic that the two just didn’t match. His frozen figure was all wrong on the stairs, darting to her and then back to the bedroom door.
“Brandon, who is in our bedroom?” Jane’s voice was sure this time.
“No one, Jane, I told you already.” He was getting mad. “Go back to the couch; I will get you the tea.”
The words all sounded right again, but he was just wrong, frozen on the stairs, his eyes boring into her as they did earlier in the kitchen.
Jane climbed the stairs to him, wanting to pass him by to check the bedroom herself. He backed up to the top of the stairs as she approached, as if guarding the passage.
“I am going to look, Brandon. Please move.” She said.
“No, Jane, there’s nothing. Don’t you believe me?” he asked still glaring at her. She probably would, if his eyes were not frantic still. He wore the look of a crazy man and he scared her.
“What’s wrong, Brandon? Something is wrong!” she almost shouted the last word, and moved to pass him.
“No, Jane!” he yelled and grabbed her by her shoulders, backing her to the wall of the hallway, blanket falling on the floor by them.
Jane’s eyes flew wide with shock of the movement. His grip on her didn’t exactly hurt her, but the whole action just terrified her.
“What ‘s in the damn room, Brandon?!” Jane didn’t know if that question even made it past her lips, but the way he looked at her assured her it did.
The second of silence was deafening between them. Frantic glare in his eyes wore off replaced with a desperate pleading, “God, Jane! Can’t you just leave it alone?!”
“Brandon, what is wrong?” Jane’s voice was trembling as she saw him breaking in front of her.
He released his hands from her, dropping them to his side. “We have to talk, Jane.”
The way he looked at her then, she thought he must know she was let go or something. The dread of the situation reminded her of the feel of her morning. But he couldn’t know, something else is wrong…so wrong.
“Ok…say it then.” She said blankly.
“Can we go downstairs now?” His eyes were still pleading.
She glanced to the bedroom door again, “No, tell me!” Whatever it was, she couldn’t make her legs move downstairs anymore. She wanted to know what it was behind that door that he was guarding so desperately.
He let out a sigh, covering his face with his hands.
“For God’s sakes, Brandon, what is behind that door?” Jane couldn’t take the anxiety any more.
“It’s another woman!” Brandon yelled back at her, his hands dropping again. “Damn it, Jane! Are you happy now?!”
What a stupid question.
“Another woman?” Jane asked, deciding she sounded dumb. “But…how…who…where…who??” She just couldn’t find it in herself to make out a sentence.
“Does it matter, Jane?” His every word was laced with sarcasm.
Jane stared back at him, not even hearing him. She looked back to the bedroom door and moved towards them. He didn’t try to stop her this time, although his whole body flinched in her direction.
She placed her hand on the knob and opened the door, closing her eyes at first until she felt the door was open enough for her to see what was inside.
Familiar female figure stood by the foot of the bed, holding onto one of the posts of her four-post bed. Her bleached blond hair was a mess, and her shirt was sticking out of her tight jeans. Frantic look of her wide blue eyes matched Brandon’s from a moment ago.
“Mary Harper.” It was a statement. Jane was surprised by the even tone of her voice. She tried desperately to find some kind of emotion in her, but she found nothing. She was numb all over.
“I…I am so sorry, Jane…I didn’t….I really…” Mary’s voice was shrill with panic.
“Get out!” Jane’s voice was even.
“But…”
“GET OUT!” Jane shouted now.
Mary darted from the bedroom squeezing by Jane so as not to risk touching her at all.
Jane did not turn around to see her pass Brandon, or go down the stairs. Her eyes were glued to their bed, whose sheets were crumpled under the big comforter which tried to hide the evidence. Once she heard the front door closing, she turned around to face him.
“In our bed, Brandon?... Really?” Her every word seeped with poison and betrayal.
“It’s not what you think, Jane” he said simply.
“How would you know what I am thinking, Brandon?”
He shrugged, “I don’t.”
“Then what the hell are you talking about?” Jane felt like she was losing her mind and all the words were superfluous. There was no point in anything anymore.
“What did you think, Brandon? That you could just keep me downstairs with the pretense of your worry towards me…making me tea, “ she spit the words out with disgust, “lying to me and hoping I would not hear a thing while you get the whore out?!”
“I didn’t think, Jane.” His voice was irritated about having to explain everything already. “I didn’t plan to cheat on you….I came home to change as I told you…but she was there, in front of her house…I didn’t…this was our first time.” He exhaled the words with exhaustion. Jane didn’t need him to fill the gaps, she knew what he meant.
“Does it really matter, Brandon?...First time or not, you slept with her! You cheated on me!” Jane didn’t even notice that her eyes were filled with tears until just that second when they began to spill over.
Brandon flinched again as if to move towards her, but decided to stay in his place.
“I think you should go.” Jane said.
“No, Jane, we need to talk about this…”
She interrupted him before he could finish his sentence, “I lost my job, Brandon.” Jane looked for his reaction. He just looked at her dumbfounded.
“I found out this morning, and that’s why I am here…only to find that I lost my husband too, it seems.” She was talking to herself, not caring if he listened or heard, or anything.
“So, you…”
“What? Lied?” she interrupted him again. “Really, Brandon? Are we tit for tat now?” she glared at him.
“We still need to talk, Jane.” He said.
“Go back to work…I can’t…” She didn’t know what she wanted to say.
He made a step towards her finally breaking their long stance, “Listen, Jane. I will go back to work, give you time to think, get out of your way, whatever…When I come back tonight, we can talk. Please!” he pleaded her.
“Go…” Jane couldn’t look him in the eyes.
“Promise me, Jane. We will talk tonight…” his arm stretched as if he wanted to put his arm on her shoulder, but brought it back when she flinched backwards.
I don’t owe you any promises, you bastard! She thought, but didn’t say anything; at least she didn’t think she did.
“Just go…” she said, and he finally listened. Brandon turned and walked down the stairs still looking at her, his eyes pleading with unspoken words.
Jane stood in front of their bedroom door still, afraid to move; afraid to break whatever was holding her in pieces.

The Airport

2009-02-21T20:39:00.001-05:00

This is ridiculous, Sara thought and slumped in her chair, as one of the airport’s monitors showed that her flight was delayed for yet another two hours. She had already read all four gossip magazines she’d picked up at the airport’s newsstand, thinking they would last her a four hour-long flight from Las Vegas, Nevada to Washington D.C. Flimsy articles and two-line comments with LOTS of celebrity pictures would have been about all the attention she could spare while trying not to think about the fact that she would be thousands of miles high up in the air. She would have to resort to buying some fashion magazines now, she thought; however this time she would wait to board the plane first, before opening to read them. She let out a heavy sigh, and got up to see what she could find to do in the meantime.
Sara placed the gossip magazines in her tan designer handbag and strolled down the long corridor of the Terminal “C”. She wished Mel, her best friend she had been visiting in Vegas for a week, could be with her now. They had had so much fun celebrating Mel’s “Big 3-0”. Now Sara would have to think of something to top that for her 30th next year. They have said their goodbyes three hours ago, and Sara was supposed to be in the air already, on her way back home. That thought made her pull out her BlackBerry and send yet another text to Mel to inform her that her flight had been delayed again. She typed up the short message with an experienced thumb and scrolled to “Send”.
As she was placing the phone back in her pocket, she looked around, noticing her surroundings more closely for the first time. Just to the left and above her she noticed an elegant script of letters forming a sign which read “Cocktail Lounge”.
“Perfect,” she blurted out-loud, catching an attention of a pair of dark eyes sitting behind the half-wall of the Lounge.
The eyes glanced over her carefully and smiled. Sara blushed involuntarily and headed for the entrance to the cozy-looking bar. She found a comfortable sofa chair furthest from the entrance, and by the big windows overlooking the tarmac, and sat in it.
“Hello there. What would you like to drink?” The waitress had appeared out of nowhere, smiling at her.
“Um, I think I’ll have a Cosmo?” Sara smiled back, forming a question, rather than an order, as if she wasn’t really sure if Cosmo would be the best idea right now. Oh, why not, she thought. Another martini would be a nice way to end her celebratory week with Mel.
“Coming right up!” the waitress said, dancing her way back to the bar.
Appreciating the soft cushion of the sofa chair instead of a hard terminal seat she had spent the last couple of hours in, Sara leaned back and closed her eyes. The silence didn’t last long.
“Do you mind if I join you for a drink?”
Startled by the sound, Sara opened her eyes to a tall figure standing in front of her.
“Sorry to bother you, just wanted to see if you mind the company?” dark eyes asked again, holding his drink in one hand and pulling a crimson red suitcase with the other.
“Um, sure,” she didn’t really know what to say, taking his whole presence in, recognizing at once that dark eyes belonged to a very handsome man.
What a strange choice of a suitcase color for a man, Sara mused to herself. I would have pinned him for a navy or black suitcase guy.
“My name is Alex.” He started to sit down, making her turn to look at his face instead of a blaring red suitcase, as he extended his arm for a shake at the same time.
“Sara,” she simply answered, leaning forward to place her hand in his.
The waitress returned at that moment and placed Sara’s Cosmo in front of her. Sara turned to her handbag to get some cash to pay for the drink, but Alex was faster.
“Let me get this one,” his hand was already extended with money toward the waitress.
“No, really…” Sara started to protest, but the waitress was already returning some change to him.
“Thanks. You really shouldn’t have.” Sara blushed again.
“Hey, it’s the least I can do for bothering you while I wait for my plane.” He said, his lips pulling into a grin, showing his perfect white teeth.
“So where are you headed?” Alex asked, his eyes still smiling.
“Washington.” Sara answered instantly, but then bit her tongue thinking she should be more mysterious than that to this handsome stranger.
“Oh, great! Me too!” His face lit.
Well then, he would have figured it out anyways when he saw me boarding the plane with him, Sara thought and relaxed again.
“So you know then, that the flight has been delayed for another two hours?” She offered the information sourly.
“Yeah, I saw that just a few minutes ago. Crazy stuff.” He said, sympathizing, his face serious for the first time since Sara met him.
Pleasantries continued for a while, and Sara found out that Alex also lived in Washington, and had come to Vegas for some business convention. In return she told him about Mel’s birthday bash, omitting some embarrassing details of her drunken stupor she had been in the last couple of days. He laughed at her distaste for exotic male dancers, as they continued to discuss what the most entertaining and hip place actually was in Vegas. They were both surprised that neither of them held any attraction for gambling, and were almost in tears from laughing so hard when each offered description of some strange people they noticed in casinos and on slot machines that were almost everywhere in town.
When she glanced at her watch next, Sara was surprised that their two hours of wait were almost up.
“Hey, we should probably get going. We should be boarding the plane soon,” she chimed.
“Oh, wow.” He was surprised himself. “Um, do you mind watching my suitcase while I go to the washroom before we leave?” His hand flew to his hair, and he suddenly seemed nervous.
“Sure, no problem.” Sara smiled briefly, confused about his sudden change of demeanor.
Alex paced quickly out of the Lounge, heading for the washrooms across the hall.
She watched him until he disappeared from her view, thinking what could have made him get so nervous all of a sudden, and then decided to get up herself and stretch before he comes back. Maybe he’ll ask for my number or something, so we can meet up in Washington again, she mused to herself again. That thought made her smile and turn her stomach into a nervous twist. No wonder he was nervous, if I am getting butterflies about the thought myself.
Garbled female voice came through the airport’s speakers announcing that her flight was starting to board. Sara got even more nervous then, her eyes darting to a distant point of Terminal “C” where she’s last seen Alex. She glanced at her watch over and over again. Five minutes turned into ten, and ten to fifteen. She decided that she would start moving toward their gate, where he would probably try to find her once he realized the time. How long could one take in the washroom, Sara wondered.
She wrapped her hand uncertainly around the handle of the red suitcase, and pulled it along with her. Little black wheels rolled without a sound and Sara couldn’t stop turning to look at it over and over again as she walked toward her gate, wondering again why a man, so handsome and “manly” as Alex would decide to buy the suitcase so femininely blaring in color. The two just didn’t match. Oh, whatever, maybe I’ll manage to ask him or joke about it with him when he gets back, she thought and smiled to herself.
A small line of passengers formed in front of her as they waited patiently for a strikingly beautiful female flight attendant to check their boarding passes before they proceeded to enter the plane. Sara stood awkwardly on the side of the line, still hoping that Alex would appear out of mass of faces that strolled by.
The crowd around her started to thin out, and when she turned again, her eyes met with the questioning look of the pretty flight attendant.
“Are you boarding the plane with us today, Miss?” She asked, forming a perfect smile.
“Um..I…I am waiting for a…a friend… that is also supposed to board this plane. He asked me to watch his suitcase for him while he went to the washroom…but he’s not back yet.” Sara tried to explain the conundrum that would explain her awkward position at the gate still.
“Will he be back soon?” Flight attendant asked. “We’ve already been delayed for quite a while, and we would like to leave as soon as possible,” she explained.
“I..I am really not sure,” Sara was overwhelmed with sudden anxiety about the whole situation. “I actually just met him two hours ago, and he said he’ll be right back and asked me watch his suitcase for him,” Sara pointed to the red suitcase and continued, “I’m really not sure what to do. He…he’s been gone for a while now.”
“Hmm, what’s his name?” the attendant asked, doubt creasing her forehead, while she turned toward the computer at her side.
“Alex.” Sara answered quickly. “I don’t know the last name.”
Attendant’s fingers started flying over the keyboard of the gate’s computer. Her eyebrows furrowed as she read something on the computer. Sara was feeling nauseous with anxiety, waiting for the woman to explain her computer search.
“I am afraid we do not have anyone named Alex on the passenger list for this plane today,” she finally explained to Sara, not bothering to turn her eyes off the monitor yet.
A fresh wave of anxiety washed over Sara in that moment and her head turned to the direction of where Alex disappeared last.
“But he was just here with me not twenty minutes ago. “ She turned frantically to the woman at the gate again, “He left me his suitcase to watch! How can he not come back?”
“I am not sure, Miss,” the attendant seemed apologetic for her lack of insight. “Maybe you should board the plane, and leave that suitcase with us,” she said, her eyes glancing toward her colleague, whom Sara hasn’t even acknowledged in presence until that moment.
“Um…,” Sara tried to absorb attendant’s suggestion. “Yes, I should probably do that.” She felt like a child being comforted through some trivial predicament.
She dropped her hand from the handle of stranger’s suitcase, for then he was obviously a stranger to her if he lied. His name may not even be Alex, for all I know, Sara’s thoughts were in a whirlwind. She fumbled through her bag until she found her boarding pass and her passport. Her hands were shaking when she offered the papers to the woman. The attendant checked her papers and motioned her that she is free to proceed to go to the plane.
Sara took longer than needed to approach to entrance to the long hallway that led to the plane entrance. She turned back to a mass of people walking down Terminal “C”, still holding miniscule hope that she could spot Alex again. Her gaze fell to the red suitcase still standing where she left it, in the middle of two rows of hard terminal seats. It seemed to blare with color even more than before as it stood there alone in the sea of shades of gray. Even though she couldn’t do anything anymore, she still felt responsible for the red thing. She suddenly wondered what could be in that suitcase that its owner would just leave it with her. However, there was no point in waiting any more.
With a heavy sigh, Sara continued walking more determined then to get to the plane. She found her window seat and slumped in it, glancing apologetically to an older woman who was sitting next to her. The woman looked annoyed that Sara interrupted her book reading with her presence. Sara turned to look through the window, replaying everything that has transpired in the last thirty minutes. Anxiety started to subside, but something even worse was overwhelming her just then. Betrayal. She felt so foolish for believing the first stranger she met at the airport. How stupid do you have to be, she thought.
She couldn’t help but wonder about his agenda. What was it all about? Why would he want to meet her, pay for her drink, spend two hours talking with her, being so believable in everything he’s said, just to disappear then and leave her with his irrational red bag?
I wanted to see him again, for God’s sake! Sara cringed at the thought of having some romantic desire towards the beautiful stranger. Yes, despite everything, she could acknowledge he was still handsome.
Admitting defeat to making sense of anything that has transpired, Sara closed her eyes. Still seeing the mysterious red suitcase in her mind, she wished she could fall asleep fast.

More writing...

2009-01-29T16:25:00.000-05:00

The River

His hurried steps started to slow down. The sound of flowing water got stronger with each step he took, so he knew he was getting near. It surprised him that the trail to the river was so familiar, even though it has been some time since he was here last. He felt he could close his eyes and still know every little turn of the winding path that led to his favorite place in the world. He closed his eyes briefly, already seeing it in his head - glistening surface of an ever-changing surge, and suddenly his breath came out in one big gasp.
His sky-blue eyes opened in astonishment as he just realized that he wasn’t really breathing since he left her sitting in the lobby of her hotel. No, it was not the time yet to think about it all. He stopped in his tracks, filling the lungs with much needed air. The cool morning breeze made him shiver, even though it was early September and the light peaking through the dense leaves of the forest around him promised yet another sunny day of summer passing. Only a few small clouds hung in the sky. Knowing he could stand under a warm open sky if he would just reach the river bank, his hesitant legs started to move again and his original hurried pace returned.
The trees seemed to be further and further apart with each step he took, as if a curtain was opening on a stage in front of him to a most desired play. At last, his blue eyes exploded with light, as trees were no more, and a wide clearing of green grass led to running water. He closed his eyes once more, and let the light wash over him, warming even some far forgotten corners of his broken heart.
It was definitely easy to breathe then. The flowing river demanded it. He almost wished for the view and serenity of a stagnant lake – then it would be easy to keep everything that wanted to come out now locked up, but being in the presence of the unceasing current, the flood gates were about to fly open. The wall he had built in his heart, behind which he had hid his love for her, showed cracks and he knew he could no longer hold it.
Realizing he could not bear to hold his weight any more, he walked over to a pile of laid out tree trunks in the clearing, by the water’s edge. His hands touched the tree below him. Its crust was rough, but warm from lying in the sun. The sudden warmth shivered his body from pleasure and provided comfort. Memories were inevitable.
Eight years ago, he had given her his whole heart. She had returned his love, and he kept her wrapped in a cocoon of his worship, even though she had to leave their city and live far away. Distance had not bothered him, and he told her so, many times. She had lit his whole world with thousands of stars, and the fact that they had to be away from each other for some time was nothing compared to a lifetime. He had always known he would find her, his one true love, and the miles between them would not stop him dreaming of their future. Only, he had not predicted that she would never be so strong. She had decided to give her new life a try, “so she could be happy”, she said.
His devotion had turned against him. Thousands of stars had ceased to shine, and he was left in complete darkness, to fend for himself. It had taken years for him to even think of loving anybody again, knowing that it would never be the same. Epiphany has struck him some time ago, when he comforted himself with sudden realization that the fact that he had had one true love in his life did not mean that he should never let anybody in his heart again. After all, didn’t having one true love serve to teach you about life? He’d been taught for sure, he thought. However, in order to ready his heart to accept anybody ever again, he had built a wall. Behind that wall he has hidden all adoration and love he held for her, his old self, because if that part ever continued to live, he would not survive.
The river knew all this. He had been here almost every day since that time, working hard on building the wall. The river challenged him. Just as it has easily crumbled his gates now, then he worked against it to close them, making him stronger with each day he successfully put on the next layer of the wall.
How it easily flowed now. No barrier would ever stop the persistent rush of that beautiful stream. He inhaled deeply, and he could taste the water’s victory. A smile broke on his full lips, congratulating it. The river’s wavy and always moving surface glistened, mocking him with almost giddy expectation to tell it what has happened that he was here again.
He let the sound of the rolling waves probe him and feel for the truth. He knew there was no point to holding secrets from the river.
“She is back,” he told it, “and she wants me back.”
He listened for the response. The water was humming in his ears.
“I told her she was too late, and she cried,” he continued. “I even told her about the wall, and that I will never let her behind again….”
He didn’t know if he imagined it, but the hum of the water was stronger now, louder, confused. The breeze picked up into a wind.
“Yes, I know I let you break the wall now,” he lowered his eyes to the ground in front of him, defeated. “But she didn’t see it, and that is what’s most important. That part is over. She will never come back again.”
The light suddenly dimmed, and he looked to the sky for an answer. The only gray cloud has hid his source of warmth, and he shivered again. The river’s usually persistent blue surface has become gray reflecting the cloud above. His hands instinctively touched the tree’s crust below him again – it was still warm, and he clung to it to keep himself afloat.
“You are very perceptive,” he mused to the river, acknowledging its power to match his moods.
The grey cloud in the sky was persistent, as it clung to its captor, the sun. The wind picked up again, and he dug his hands deeper into the warm crust of the tree on which he was sitting. His grip broke the piece of the crust and he brought it in front of his eyes. He observed the dark brown piece in his hands and gasped at recognition of its colour. The rough piece bore the exact colour of her eyes, and they were piercing.
“The whole nature is mocking me,” he thought, and threw the piece into the flowing water.
Catching the dark brown piece of the crust, the river’s small and still grey waves played with it. He watched her dark brown eyes float away, wet, just as he left them a couple of hours ago.
His heart burned as pieces of the wall lay broken, and his love emerged triumphant. He loved her, he knew that, but he was not strong enough to trust her again. He thanked the skies above that he was strong enough to hold the wall up enough, so as not to give her a chance to see him as he once was. He let his face fall into his hands then, and the smell from them brought the warm comfort of the warm tree below again.
He exhaled and got up to the water’s edge. He stood there for a while, absorbing the river’s exuberant energy. The cloud must have moved again, because the water’s surface glistened again, matching his blue eyes. He nodded towards the river in agreement, and turned to leave. The water hummed in his ears and the yellow warmth encouraged. They will try to do it again, the river and him. They will try and build the wall again.

Writing...

2009-01-15T09:23:00.002-05:00

Daily matters seem to escape my interest these days...

The Devil recruiting a new servant
His dark figure has been standing over me, expecting me to be afraid. As if fear could reach me now. I almost wanted to laugh at his confident posture. What he was proposing was more like sanctuary compared to this constant state of anguish I was in for so long.
“I don’t suppose you could imagine breaking into thousand upon thousand little pieces, day in and day out?” I proposed, however, it was more of a statement. “You, ‘my friend’ are not offering anything that may hurt me more.” I simply stated.
“You seem awfully sure for a human.” He said the last word, as if in disgust.
“But you need me, no?” At this point I could afford to be smug.
“That, I do,” he hissed.
It was almost uncomfortable. Shouldn’t the roles be reversed? Shouldn’t this ‘creature’ be the one who was convincing me to sell him my soul? However, I don’t suppose there are any experts on the matter.
Whatever this creature may be, he has chosen a form of a man, or rather a “male”. Maybe it would be wise to tell him what someone like myself could do for him, for after all – “hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.” I almost laughed out loud at my sudden memory of Congreve’s clever insight into a woman’s nature. How it perfectly fit this odd arrangement.
As if he has read my mind, he grinned darkly “You, my dear, are perfect for the role.”
Intrigued as I may be, I could not afford the time it would take to explain the details of how he got such deep insight into his choice, or the details of the role he proposed. I wanted to escape my living hell and trade it for a real thing, at least, since I was already ‘there’. Why fake it?
I just wanted to know one thing and one thing only, “And you promise that in return I will feel NOTHING. Nothing at all?”
Sensing my resolve and an easy catch at this point, he has come inches close to me, so I could appreciate the full glory of his empty face, “You undermine my promises, human. I do not play games, nor are such childish nuances needed in my world.”
“I like your world” I whispered, letting the pain spill freely now through my words, and probably my whole being.
His stance has started to falter. I was amazed. Could my underworld kingpin be any MORE human? Although his intentional movements were a blur of grace and nobleness, indicating that he could not be a product of the real world as I knew it, glimpses into his unintentional gestures were utterly mindboggling.
“Before we seal our deal, I cannot help but be intrigued as to why you are giving me yourself so freely.” He moved slightly away, as to appreciate the full picture of myself. “I expected at least some form of challenge in my conquest,” disappointment radiated from his last words.
“I have lived enough to know there is nothing more to expect from the world to offer me,” I offered. Pretense was not needed in this situation, I thought. “In fact, what I have been left with for quite some time is just pain….pain of ignorance of the person I trusted the most.” I finished, trying to decide what effect my words had on this creature. His figure has just been standing there in front of me, as if he were a statue, unmoving.
“I don’t suppose that you know what love is or what it may feel like?” I grinned getting a little irritated, waiting for a response.
“Are you serious?” the statue responded uninterested. “Only such weak souls as yourselves could give into such a foolish emotion.” He paused briefly, “I find it quite amusing that you are all searching for what eventually always ends in some form of disappointment. As if any creature born to a man, can fulfill what you all expect out of love,” he concluded.
“Aren’t you observant,” I was annoyed already, but his answer did not disappoint. Only then have I realized that I had asked that question to test what his world is like, because if he knew what love was - I would not enter such world as freely as I had originally planned.
He motioned with his hand to continue what I wanted to say, before I had asked such a stupid question.
“Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you in a sense, because I had not expected much of love in this case. I only expected some form of…ANY form of emotion in return. However, I have gotten something much worse. Ignorance. Not hate! Hate would be a welcome, almost desired solution to my pain. My love has decided to just not care of my existence, and I am afraid that if the time runs its course, it may turn to nothing but a pity for myself.” I cringed. “Having him pity me, is much worse than this impending death of my soul, you propose.”
He was silent, and the silence was deafening to my ears. “And didn’t you so confidently assure me that I am perfect for this role? You must have known something of the situation or myself to give you an idea of how hard, or easy your conquest would be?”
His laugh sounded more like shattering of a rock. “You will be an interesting companion to myself. I am rather glad of my choice.”
“That does not answer my question.” I forced.
“You, my dear, have nothing to lose. That’s what makes you a perfect candidate. I just didn’t know how that came to be.” He was still laughing. “I suppose I can let the details be trivial in the matter.”
Moving towards complete darkness now, he turned, “Shall we?”
I was standing already.
“Yes, Master.” I let the darkness fold.

New Year

2009-01-12T14:16:00.004-05:00

First of all, I apologize for not writing sooner, but in my defense, I've really had nothing to write. Actually, the truth is, I didn't feel like writing - at least not in the same drone out way that I've been writing last year. This blog, although reflective of what was going on in my head at times, has truly bugged me, for the simple fact that it now stands as a witness in front of the whole world to say that in the last year alone, I have done NOTHING to get to where I wanted to be...what the whole purpose of this blog was. I have not lost a pound..have not "found" myself in a way to set me onto bigger (or smaller actually) and better things!
...But should I really be bothered by it? At least it's a collection of my whole year...the evidence that at least I was trying and never gave up, really...
Consequently, I have no 'resolutions' for this year, as just thinking about the term sends me into a fear of failure, where I would probably end up, if I set myself up for one like that. No, I am giving myself NO expectations this year, except that I definitely am looking to myself to stick with some kind of determination to get happier and healthier.
I am happy to say that as of January 5th, I have had incredible strength and resolution (ironic, isnt' it?), to not look at food as something I run to whenever I need....either hunger, or any emotional need that may strike me. I have decided to treat food as necessary evil which all humans need to nourish their body, for that purpose alone and no other. This frame of mind has worked miracles, so far...I have managed to lose 5 lbs since the Holidays, and I already feel GREAT! I hope that things will not change, so that I can keep this new-found determination to succeed once and for all in losing this dreaded weight, that is keeping me a prisoner.
...
I am also starting a new college course today - the last in the series before I can claim my "Project Management Certificate" - so I am very happy about that!
...

So..onto new ways we go...

Christmas Baking! :)

2008-12-23T16:34:00.004-05:00

The boss sent us home today at noon because of yet another snow storm in the area...
So, here's what I've done with my time:

Shortbread Cookies with Toblerone Tops

The Cathedral Windows

Hope the kids enjoy it!!!! :)

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-22T14:01:00.003-05:00

It's December 22nd, and only a couple of more days until Christmas! I cannot face another mall or ANY store for that matter any more! I am DONE as far as shopping is concerned..well, minus the groceries part - which I still have to get for my planned Family Christmas Dinner at my place with my parents and my brother...I can't wait :)...
I am not going to ruin this post by my negative feelings, or how I have had some hard time during the past few days...it's enough to know that I am holding VERY high hopes for 2009, where I hope to trully find that Goddess, and not just get some glimpses here and there....
I can't help but chuckle as I remember the Seinfeld episode where George proudly announced that that summer was going to be "Summer of George" LOL....because that is what I keep telling myself in my head - 2009 is going to be "The Year of Mirela"...I am sure many of us are telling that to ourselves, how next year is going to be "our" year...but I am actually believing it this time - that things are REALLY going to be different for some reason...if not for anything else, but for a fact that I just can't go on like this! Anxiety, negativity, stress, helplessness, etc. all have to go - because that is no way to live these days...and I am alreayd feeling the effect of all of it on my health! I have to do something, and it has to be fast!!!
...

So, here is to a New Year of 2009...a new chapter in all of our lives, and a new opportunity to live healthier, happier, all-around-better lives!!!

Peace to all...

WI#9

2008-12-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

So..last week lost 1.2 lbs..meh. No, don’t think I am not happy about it – but I know that I have not done anything to really lose it, so I am not feeling as excited as I would if I knew I “deserved it”, kind of thing.. Motivation has been dwindling and I’ve been struggling with the whole thing yet again – but as always, I am not giving up. This week is another week of more exercise and doing the “couch25k” program. We’ll see what the scale says on Friday.
It’s not helping that I am baking all kinds of Christmas treats this week and I can’t help but sample some, even though I am giving them all away! Lol
All in all – not doing too bad this week – but as I said, we’ll see!

The new plan “Momentum” has been revealed at WW and I am excited that there are no more 2 plans, and that they have taken the best out of both worlds – I have always thought that that would be a GREAT thing! So, I am happy! However, I am losing focus off journaling, so I really need to get back to that!

It’s funny, but my hubby has JUST gotten it! He has finally realized how unhappy I am about my weight, and only NOW does he actually want to be a part of my “support” system and cheer me on! He’s actually all into “planning it out for me” – so we’ll see how long he keeps that up! LOL I am not optimistic that it’ll hold him for long…but I can be wrong!?!

Clueless...

2008-12-10T12:28:00.005-05:00

Hello there…
I have not posted for a while, because to tell you the truth, there’s nothing to post about! I don’t feel like writing when I feel “blue”, even though I may need it the most at those times – but since this is a public forum really – I am disgusted to “make” anybody read negative things…but, here I am today, trying to “explain” it all – but not really…I just wanted to update my blog, because I am tired of looking at that piggy stuffing its face!
Anyways – what’s new? Nothing really…my last WI was a disaster again, as I gained another 1.6 lbs…although in my mind that was “stayed-the-same” because I missed the WI before that, where I already gained that weight…so I am 0.2 lbs shy of my STARTING weight of 210.6 lbs…which disgusts me :( Granted I was sick most of those weeks, and my body was just trying to cooperate with keeping up with my weight loss attempts at eating better food, drinking more water, less calories, etc….and then also being sick at the same time and trying to hold on to whatever it could…Yeah, yeah..blah, blah..I understand it all, but I still believe I could have done better. Could have tried harder….
It’s not even about the scale anymore, I am just so sad when I look at the mirror now…I have LITERALLY been crying for the past 2 days whenever I would come home from work and look at myself in the mirror…I am constantly surprised at how big I’ve gotten…at how big I look on the outside, because on the inside I don’t feel that way, darn it! My mind cannot connect with this physical apparition of myself. I have started to hate my clothes, to hate my CLOSET, hate getting up, hate being intimate, hate walking around like that..just HATE everything! What drives me even more nuts is that you would think that this “hate” would now make me do better things and maybe even want to STARVE (not that I would ever do that) in order to not look like that any more…but I am just NOT doing what I need to be doing! Would ANYBODY explain to me why that is??? How in the world can you want something so much, but do everything NOT to get what you want???? I have tried so many times to explain that to myself…trying to dig deep, blah, blah…but I don’t think my logical mind can comprehend such an absurdity! Who would???

Of course, it hasn't helped when my ex boyfriend contacted me after a very long time, couple of days ago, and has seen some pictures of me and said: "When were these pictures taken? Cause you look like a little fatty (and then he put in the smiley there). What have you been doing these years? Eating everything in sight? (insert "lol lol" here)"..and then he brilliantly added, when I was silent in disbelief: "just joking...you know you'll always be beautiful to me"...yeah right buddy, ef-off!

Anyways…that’s where I am at…
I have not given up…every day I start my day eating right, and taking my portioned lunches, and counting and counting…but I get hungry…I start craving…sometimes I can succeed in not succumbing to those, but sometimes I do…and of course I feel guilty and disgusted, and I cry again because “it’s not fair”…but it’s ridiculous really!
I keep watching those shows like “Biggest Loser” and “X-Weighted” and what-not…and they’re even making me more frustrated, because why wouldn’t “I” do those things! Why can’t I be successful ONCE in my life at this!?! At least KEEP AT IT for longer than a week!
I just don’t get it…not even a bit…

December? Seriously?!?

2008-12-01T10:55:00.004-05:00

Wow…Time sure does fly!
I was not able to write anymore last week since I’ve been sick! This was not “any” sickness my friends…this was something which I have not experienced in a loooong long time! I was coughing for 10 days STRAIGHT! And even though I got antibiotics and an inhaler at the end, I didn’t stop until Saturday really. Even today, I am still coughing a bit here and there…but oh man! I thought my chest would explode at one point….Not to mention the low-grade fever, which was CONSTANT for 5 days! I have no idea what I would call that..It’s not a “common cold” as that was way worse than any cold I have ever experienced…but I am not sure if it was a flu either….I am thinking “mild pneumonia” would describe it the best..so I’ll stick with that!
Due to this “sickness”, I didn’t attend my WW meeting on Friday, and therefore did not weigh in….I am not sorry for that, as I would have probably gained again! Well..I have still gained…but I have an opportunity for it to not go in my WW record …isn’t that pathetic? As if I am losing this weight for anybody else but myself! Another thing that should change in my mind…
You would think that because I was sick I wouldn’t have an appetite! LOL…But seriously…I have never been more “starved” in my life! I could have eaten a MOUNTAIN if I had it! Have no idea what’s up with that, but no excuses really…The worst thing is, is that I started feeling the motivation dwindle away, and I had no care in the world to get it back! As if my body was hurrying to get back to its original weight as quickly as possible, so it can be comfortable again! I have really tried to think of “WHY” that is, but I can’t find a logical explanation in my head for it. Maybe because the answer is not logical at all??? We all want to look great and self-confident, so I am not sure why my mind would go against such a beautiful perspective and goal!?! I don’t think I even want to go there….
The point is..I got “back” on track…and I *AM* getting sick of all the “failures” in my trek on losing this weight. I am thinking of eliminating all refined sugars for at least a week to see if that will speed things up a bit? Not sure…not sure how I’ll do it either, as I seem to depend on low-point cr@p, like WW peanut butter bars…I mean REALLY! And I know it’s 1 pt. only for a piece….but my body just doesn’t deal well with stuff like that…so I am thinking maybe “core plan” would be more suitable for a body like mine…but not sure if I want to do that to myself either…
Let’s see how “no refined sugars” plan will go…

Oh..almost forgot…I have decided to also start the “Couch to 5K” running program. It’s basically a plan to get you moving from being a “couch potato” to jogging 5 Km in 9 weeks! It’s a 9-week program, where you work on interval trainings (walking and jogging) on a treadmill, increasing your endurance and effort every week. You can check out the whole program and what the deal is at:

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

So, this week (my 1st week) I am to do the following:

“Brisk five-minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.”

Well, my friends, believe it or not, I have done this for the first time yesterday, and I have actually completed the 30 minute mini-workout on the treadmill very successfully! I thought I could probably NOT do well with jogging even for 60 seconds so many times, since I just wasn’t (I still don’t believe I am) the “running type”…but it actually wasn’t that hard?!? Go figure! I have actually underestimated myself in what I am capable of! Since I have done this yesterday, and since they recommend taking a day off in between, I will repeat this workout on Tuesday, and then on Thursday…before I move on to a Week 2 program! I am also seeing PT today again…and on Wednesday, so I will be in full workout mode for 5 days straight!...Let’s see how I deal with that!

Till next time…xoxo

Confession Time

2008-11-24T09:50:00.003-05:00

What a weekend!
So Friday was a “shot” day for me…I gave myself permission to rebel and eat what I want, thinking “why not? It doesn’t make a difference if I do or don’t!” Unfortunately, it didn’t end at the end of day Friday! My parents came Friday night (from another town) to stay for the weekend, and there is something about my parents being “here” that sends me running to stuff myself with whatever I can find! I honestly do NOT know what that is! I have tried to think about it – is it because I am nervous? Or maybe because my parents are people who use food for everything in their life: to celebrate, to mourn, to distress, to..whatever! They always bring some sweets into the house, AND they bring a lot of guests over too! When they come, we love to have people around and coming to the house to just “get together”….There is always food, and the food is not low on points! But the biggest reason, I think, of why I stuff my face when my parents are here, is because I feel inadequate! I don’t think this blog is the “place” for what would come out of me if I tried to explain the relationship between my mother and me, but let’s just say that my mom is my biggest critic! It is NOT easy to satisfy that woman! That is all I am going to say about that…(at least for now LOL)…
All in all…a very VERY “bad” weekend, as far as being “on plan” is concerned! I did it very consciously, and it didn’t bother me one bit. The only thing I do hate is that I still look the way I look..and am almost frustrated with “the world” of why I look like this….Never asking myself: “well how did you get here?”….So dumb…yet it just happens!

I have always been fascinated with psychology! And if I could have one wish, I would wish to have means and opportunity to go back to school and get a psychology degree this time….I would be the one to go ALL THE WAY – to get a PhD and be a full- fledged clinical psychologist! Our minds are sooooo powerful, yet so “unknown”…what we are able to do with our minds, is just incredible! Physiological stuff is just a byproduct of what our mind does! What it makes us do….
To reach my body…. I will first have to reach my mind! …and so, the journey continues!

WI#6 - PISSED!

2008-11-21T15:21:00.004-05:00

What does one need to do to lose weight??? Because *apparently* eating right and exercising will NOT do it! :(
I can't believe I actually GAINED this week! I have been perfectly OP, and even went to the gym 2 times to meet with PT! He KICKED MY BUTT and I worked out as hard as ever!
Yeah..I got the spiel from my WW leader how that is "normal" after you start exercising and introducing more activity in your life - how the sclae suddenly shows a gain...they have no clue why! Please don't tell me I actually built muscle because I've been in the gym 2 times this week..PFFT!!!
Amazingly enough, I don't feel like quitting...What I *am*, is sick of being fat...and it's bothering me more and more each passing day. I can't stand it anymore...can't stand my look in the mirror, and can't stand the way I feel! This fat has GOT TO GO!

That's all I gotta say about THAT!

Content...

2008-11-18T11:29:00.007-05:00

Days are going by so fast, that it constantly amazes me when I look at the date on the calendar and see that a year has gone by since I started this blog…Yet, I am in such a different place right now! So much has happened…so many thoughts had run through my head..emotions expressed and ‘secrets’ revealed…And I conclude that at this time, I am content!
Based on my previous post, you would maybe wonder how that is possible, but don’t we all expect “ups” and “downs” in our life all the time? Yes, I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, stuff that has made me question my sanity and ability to go through a lot of things ….However, I can’t help but feel victorious in a way. I have accomplished some HUGE things that I set out to do in the last year!

• I have gotten a new job – and not just “any” new job – but the exact job that I WANTED! I have switched my career from being a Mechanical Engineer, to a career in Project Management! I am slowly climbing my way to exactly where I want to be…
• I have gotten OFF medication, and even though that has been a roller coaster ride with my emotions and physical being, I have done it, and I feel really good about that achievement!
• And even though I have started many, many times, I have finally been consistent on the path to losing this extra weight I have piled on over the years and in my last pregnancy – and that has to be good for something! :)

Since the last time I wrote, I have felt nothing but peace with myself. No… “problems” and challenges have not suddenly disappeared, but they really never will – as I have recently realized, it is not situations that ever change, it is how we behave towards those situations and take them on, that determines if we are happy or not…if we are content or not…And ever since the last time I dumped my frustrations and fears on this blog, I have slowly taken that turn for the better. Just writing the “insanity” down, has opened my eyes and helped me realize that only *I* can make that happen. Yes, having a therapist can always help, but as my first ever therapist (a lady I’ve dealt with just after my second pregnancy when I first started feeling anxious) told me – “I do not hold all the answers for you, nor will I tell you ever what to do….I am just here to be your sounding board, so you can actually HEAR yourself through me…”….So, instead of paying some crazy money to get my sounding board, I have decided that I really do have the ability to realize how and what needs to change….if I ever get to the point where I find myself struggling, I will definitely ask for help (I am not the one to run from obvious and logic). Friends can also help greatly in this situation – serve as our sounding boards…but, as with everything, you need a friend that you can trust, and I don’t mean trust in a sense that they won’t run off with that information and blabber it to someone else…but trust in a sense where you feel comfortable enough to open up – to trust your sanity with that other person, that they can intelligently provide you with feedback and give you that picture of yourself that you are drawing! That is not easy to find…but I think I have been blessed in many ways, and that is one of them….I have a whole network of ladies that are my sounding board and my support…as well as a few people around me that I trust in this way also.

To finalize, I had a little chat with my husband also :) We’ve talked about how we both lose tempers very often lately, and 90% of our interaction becomes frustration and literally “yelling” around the house at different things that need to be done, or about things that are lost, kids, etc…thankfully, no denials here….So, we decided that we will have a “code” word for when one of us starts “losing it”, to “yell” it out and so alert the other one that it’s time to “chill” and maybe change the approach! My brilliant husband decides that we should use the word “orange” LOL for the code word….Don’t know why – he was talking about “amber alerts” and stuff…not sure how this is really “orange” – but we both liked the sound of it…:)
Let me tell you – I have never heard the word “orange” MORE in my life than over the last weekend! LOL But amazingly enough, IT WORKED!!!! Not only have we corrected our manners every time that one would yell out “orange” when another starts “yelling”, but we would also start laughing, as that word is just cracking us up, no matter what mood we were in at that particular moment!

Haha….jokes on the side though….I feel such an unbelievable difference from being off the medication…I don’t know if it’s just me “wanting” it to be different (cause mind can do amazing things like that), but I feel free! It’s as though I have been carrying over a mask and bandaid to cover every emotion that I have been feeling! When I told you last time that I cried, it was SUCH AN AMAZING FEELING! Because I had realized then that I haven’t been “able” to cry for sooooooo long!!!! There were many times when “old me” would have cried…but I just didn’t….I was secretly terrified that I had “hardened” into this “robot” that cannot express any emotions….but I hadn’t! It was just the medication masking and not letting me feel anything! Yeah..it didn’t let me feel anxiety…but the meds can’t chose that particular emotion…they didn’t let me feel ANYTHING!....And so now, I feel free….Free to laugh AND cry when I want to….I was worried that I was losing myself and didn’t know anymore who I was…wondering if I’ll ever know again…..and I think I am starting to get glimpses of my old self…of what once was….and so I am always getting back to this analogy of “finding the goddess in me”…but boy is it nice to get those peeks and “see”….

WI#5 ...and more....

2008-11-14T15:10:00.005-05:00

As you can see – lost 2 lbs this week!
Total of 3.6 lbs lost in 5 weeks…I won’t lie…I feel a little “meh, whatever”….I mean, come on…first week I was on WW EVER (in 2004), I lost 4 lbs ! So, now to have a loss of “only” 3.6 lbs in 5 FREAKIN' WEEKS is a little discouraging…but I will try not to think about that, and think about the goals which I accomplished this week, and there are definitely some to talk about! FINALLY!

So…last week’s WW meeting was about “voting for yourself”…so, choosing something to do only for yourself and actually DOING IT!
So..I voted for myself to do 2 things:

- Earn 3 Activity Points for the week (this seems “little”, but for somebody who hasn’t ‘moved’ in a while – this is HUGE!)
- Go to a yoga class!

I am happy to say that YESTERDAY (the last day of my week), I accomplished both! I went to a “Yoga Fever” class at my gym (doing yoga in a very hot/heated room and sweating like crazy!). That class alone would earn you anywhere from 3-4 AP’s. And also while waiting for the class to start, I had 15 minutes, which I spent on the gym bike!! Earned 1 AP right there also!
AND, for 5 straight days, I’ve been taking stairs instead of elevator, to go to a 3rd floor of the building (and down whenever I needed to) I work in! As my leader Jacqui would say: “That is exactly why you had such a wonderful loss of 2lbs this week!”…so I am a little proud..and happy!

I am very determined to kick this weight to the curb…which brings me to another tale…

Yesterday was a little weird day for me (to say the least)…I was very determined to go to the gym straight from work, which I did. However, when I got there and waited for my yoga class, sitting on the gym bike and biking for 15 minutes – there were mirrors “there”…and I could see myself and my body in full “spandex glory”…I will not lie – I was SHOCKED! Shocked of how fat I look…but more shocked that I have allowed myself to come to “this”, and to even THINK that “I don’t look that bad really….”…I couldn’t shake that shock and that picture of my 2,3-fold belly and huge thighs! :( Disappointment and sadness was all over my face! Even while doing Yoga later, and seeing myself doing all the poses as they should be done and feeling “comfortable” in that body, I was still disgusted….the feeling was so strong, that I didn’t really enjoy and give myself to relaxation that Yoga is supposed to bring…and as soon as it was done and I was exiting the gym, I started feeling physically SICK! I don’t know if it was because I was doing some activity after some time, or if my sugars crashed (they shouldn’t have…I ate…), or the change in temperature (from going from a hot room to cold outside), I just felt plain sick and very shaky! With me, it escalated to anxiety and panic very quickly, and by the time I got home, I was “done”! Anxiety started to subside as soon as I got home, but the shaky feeling continued and it transferred to my whole night being shot as far as my mood went! I was very grumpy, barking at kids and my husband….The little voice in my head said: “you are behaving like a real b*tch”..but I still did it anyways…I went and took a shower, came back..still felt the same….gone to bed..watched “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy”…still felt the same...Anxiety, at this point, was coming in waves…But I don’t know if I can certainly call it anxiety, I just felt like I was completely LOSING IT! Not like I was “dying” (which panic usually feels like), but more like: “I am having a nervous breakdown, and I am going to lose it and they will have to put me in a mental institution”….
Isn’t that awful?
I started to cry out of sheer frustration….I so desperately wanted for somebody to understand, not that I have shared this with anybody really….but this feeling of how I am just somebody who I don’t know at this point, and I know that I don’t like….It’s driving me NUTS! And this is the first time that I am going to write/say this, but both, my husband, and my kids are suffering because of it! :(
The most stable place that I feel in is currently my work – this is where I get things done, and so far I think I am doing it well…..everywhere else, as soon as I step out – I am so uncomfortable, and so unsure of myself…I am questioning everything about myself – who I am..what I want…if I am a good person, or “bad”…I can only see bad qualities in me…the side of me I hate…and my whole demeanor changes as soon as I am faced with duties of a mother…and a wife….I am drowning in hatred toward myself and how I present myself in those roles, and I don’t know how to fix it?! The thing that drives me crazy is that I am aware of it, and still doing it….isn’t that awful???

Don’t know what to tell you….Wish I ended it with a “happy” note, since I had such a good WI today…but I am not sure if WI and all that is “enough” right now….I need more! I definitely need more…

My lunch today!

2008-11-10T11:12:00.002-05:00

Found this recipe last night before going for a weekly grocery shopping! I also made the recipe last night (double amount) and am taking it for my launches this week!!!
IT'S DELISH!

Black Bean Couscous Salad

Makes 4 servings

This salad is very portable and is great for lunch. It is also a good source of whole grains and beans, a healthy alternative to meat.

Ingredients

¾ cup (175 mL) sodium reduced chicken stock or water
¾ cup (175 mL) whole-wheat couscous
½ cup (125 mL) no added salt canned corn or thawed frozen corn
½ cup (125 mL) diced green pepper
½ cup (125 mL) cherry tomatoes, cut in 4
1 cup (250 mL) canned black beans, drained and rinsed
¼ cup (50 mL) green onion, chopped
1 tbsp (15 mL) finely diced cilantro, packed
Juice of 1 lime
1 tbsp (15 mL) olive oil
1 tsp (5 mL) cumin
½ tsp (2 mL) black pepper
Directions

In a small pot, bring the chicken stock or water to a boil. Turn off the heat and add the couscous. Let it sit for 5 minutes and then fluff with a fork and transfer it to a large bowl.
Add the rest of the ingredients and toss.
Chill for 1 hour and up to 2 days.

Nutritional information per serving
(1 cup/250 mL)

Calories: 256
Protein: 10 g
Total fat: 4 g
Saturated fat: 1 g
Dietary cholesterol: 0 mg
Carbohydrate: 47 g
Dietary fibre: 9 g
Sodium: 209 mg
Potassium: 451 mg

4 POINTS PER 1 CUP! :)

WI #4 - Waking up!

2008-11-07T14:44:00.002-05:00

I hate this roller coaster ride..It’s not like I was surprised; but I was still disappointed when I saw it…half of my weight loss to date cut! It sucks…but it does kind of kick my butt into “let’s get it on” mode for next week!
*sigh* Why does this have to be such a slow and agonizing process???

This week I also got a box of those “WW Peanut Butter Mini Bars”..mmmmmmm…so delish for 1pt! I also got their 2pt. pretzel packs. We’ll see what they are like later in the week!
I am keeping all these snacks here at work, for when the “2:00p.m. munchies” strike!
So..let’s get it on for Week #5!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the “anxiety and dizziness” front…you won’t believe it…Last night it was time to take my antibiotic (which I got for my strep throat last week)…I’ve been taking it for 8 days now – and had 2 more days of 3 pills per day…So anyways….I am all dizzy again, and it’s time for another doze, and I am thinking: ‘what if I don’t take this one?..could it be….???”…
So, I don’t take the pill I was supposed to take last night…and I wake up and don’t take the pill I was supposed to take in the morning….and GUESS WHAT!!! I AM NOT DIZZY, NOR ANXIOUS, NOR ANYTHING!!!!
Could it be???? Antibiotics??? REALLY? I mean, I knew there were all kinds of antibiotics out there with all the “routine” side-effects, but I’ve never had any before! I was always doing great with antibiotics..especially pure penicillin, which I got this time too!...But there you go….dizziness, GONE…and so my anxiety about it all and insecurities..GONE! I am feeling so good today, it’s not even funny! Just when I imagine what I went through for a whole week thinking that I was going through “SSRI discontinuation syndrome”, and that my panic attacks were coming back because I got off the meds….MAN! The timing of everything is just freaky!

Anyways…I am just glad it’s “over”.

As I said..LET’S GET IT OOOOON!

Feeding anxiety

2008-11-06T15:14:00.007-05:00

Feeling very embarrassed and foolish the past couple of days. Yes, I am still dizzy and feeling very “blah” as the day progresses, but I am hanging on and plowing through whatever anxiety, panic, or confusion I am feeling…however, I am dealing with all of it mostly through EATING! And here my friends is where we get to the bottom of all of my problems! I have been literally FEEDING my anxiety, for it to not escalate to anything more…Just as if you would feed and stuff the hungry lion, so you can then enter his cage and do whatever you have to do with him, so he doesn’t eat *you*! To me, this has not been a secret…but this week it has literally SLAPPED me in the face, as in the past 2 days I have been STUFFING my face with little things here and there. “Why, oh WHY!”, I would ask myself whilst chewing some crap I’ve given in to, and the answers come as clear as day:

“You’ve never had a panic attack on a full stomach!”

How enlightening…

Bah...

Anyways, it is true - the more you go “off plan”, you feel like you already messed up enough, and now you give yourself even more freedom to stuff your face, since you’re writing off this week anyways….Darn it…the worst is, I know how it goes..yet I still do it! I have even contemplated NOT going to the WW meeting tomorrow, and not weighing in, because I KNOW I have gained….My little loss of “3.2 lbs” over 2 weeks will crumble to even smaller numbers, as I weigh in tomorrow and admit my “out of control” behavior….I am DEFINITELY not proud. However, I will go. I have to. They say that this would be the time that you actually need the WW meeting the most! So, let’s see if what they say is true…

Hitting the bottom, then reaching up again...

2008-11-04T11:34:00.004-05:00

What a day yesterday! If I were to have written this post last night, I would have probably been a mess! But, let me start from the beginning…
So yesterday was my first day back at work after being off for a week, due to being sick, etc. Being that I am also going through a rollercoaster ride since completely going off my medication, I was still very dizzy and a “weak” feeling was over me whole day, with some ups and downs. The understanding between my husband and I was that he was going to pick up both kids from school and daycare, respectively, and I will go home and start dinner. By the time I got home I was very shaky and felt worse than the whole day….I changed into my pajamas and started heating up a soup we made and also frying up some sausages…I couldn’t wait to finish and sit down. In the midst of me standing over the oven and cooking, the phone rings at 5:10 p.m. – it’s my dear husband. He informs me that he has just locked his keys in his office, so he can’t leave, and could I please RUSH OUT and pick up both kids, because it’s already 5:10 and school/daycare close at 6:00 p.m.! I don’t think I comprehended the full message until I hung up with him and realized what I need to do now! The panic starts creeping in me…insecurity of how well I am feeling to rush out now and pick up 2 kids from school….It’s dark out now, cars are literally crawling on the main street due to rush hour….and I am starting to shake from panic! I will not go through all the details of the next hour….but I have gone through a “little” hell and back while picking up the kids and coming back home! It is enough to tell you that my hands were starting to deform and clench from all the panic that struck me. But…as my husband would say, after I told him all this, I did it….I went…got the kids…came back….and lost about 10 years of my life in one hour!
After I have stepped into the house after all that, my eyes started swelling up with tears! “Oh, look at you now!!! Panic all gone, is it??? You damn fool!!! When are you going to start to believe yourself and trust yourself that YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!”….(this was my inner dialogue with myself that has transpired).
Thousand and one thought went through my mind that night….What did that mean??? Am I NOT supposed to go off medication?? Are the panic attacks back? Is this what my life will be like again after a whole year??? Am I not DONE with this already??
I was feeling so helpless…so sad…so desperate to get the clear answer from someone….from somewhere….that I am doing the right thing! …that I am on the right track with all this!
I do NOT want to go back to medication! NO! Meds in the case of anxiety are only masking the symptoms, they are not HEALING, and are certainly not hitting the source! I have to do this on my own – with my own mind!
….
Today I am feeling better…New day always brings another perspective into things. I am now thinking that last night wasn’t really THAT bad…I’ve had worse! It doesn’t mean anything, for sure, to tell me that I am going in the wrong direction with all this. On top of it all – this morning I have also gotten my period, so we all know that we are all susceptible to “incoherent” behavior during PMS..right? Yes, I am dizzy again this morning, but going on as if I am not even noticing it. It’s going to go away! It has to….
Tonight I also have to do the presentation of my project for the class I am taking at the local college, so one more thing I just have to go through today! There is no TIME to think about stupid things, such as anxiety, panic, going off of meds, etc…..Life goes on! It doesn’t wait…

Through it all (and being that I have been going through PMS all week), I have had a huge desire to stuff my face with any food at all. Last night was absolutely the worst time, since I started WW, that I have felt this way! I’ve been literally standing over the Halloween candy last night and CLAWING at the kitchen counter, so as not to reach for ANY chocolate. Going back and forth multiple times to take it…then coming back….then I finally had that little conversation with myself that they are teaching us about in WW meetings: “Why do you want that chocolate? Are you hungry? What are you REALLY “hungry” for? Peace? Calm?...is that chocolate going to help? Are you going to feel better?”….Then I finally started to trust myself when that little voice said: “nope…you’re not going to feel better, TRUST ME! You will open that little two-bite chocolate and gulf it down in literally a SECOND. You’re not even going to feel any satisfaction of having that chocolate in your mouth! You’re not even going to taste it! The “pleasure” will be over in 2 seconds, and you’re just going to be left feeling “hungry” again, with addition of feeling guilty for caving in….Trust me…you don’t want this crap!”…..so I did…I trusted….and I didn’t take it…
But boy, was it hard!

In the end, after the whole day, I was left with a little pride in myself again…another day over….here we go again! New day, new chance to make it all even better!

In between...

2008-11-02T19:08:00.004-05:00

I feel as though I am floating...somewhere in between stable ground and vast skies...This feeling is not comfortable or enjoyable, since this is how I can describe the "SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome" ride that I have been on since 10 days ago, when I completely stopped taking my anti-depressants. I feel as though I am starting to sound crazy to people when trying to explain to them that I am ready to go off of them. They don't trust me - especially now when they see me so "spaced out" and going through vast majority of withdrawal symptoms all the books write about. But no! I am determined to continue on! Post-partum cannot be called post-partum anymore! My son is 2! As these pounds that I've gained during second pregnancy are not "pregnancy weight" any more - so is my anxiety not "post-partum" any more, and I am ready...I am SOOOOO ready!
I will probably sound a little "masochist" now, but even though I have felt horrible with all the dizziness and nausea and lightheadedness, feeling of being spaced out and as though my brain is shutting off and rebooting every so often - I have felt FREEDOM at the same time! Freedom that I haven't felt for a long time! I am finally in control of all of my moods and feelings and actions...I am taking control!

Weird...based on how I've been feeling for the past week, I thought this post would be extremely negative and sad...but with every letter I type, I feel stronger! More determined! :)

As I've said...weird... :)

WW? Meh...I have dipped pretty deep into my allowance points already (since starting my new week on Friday), so I am not very proud of that, but I think I've had a nice little "non-scale-victory" today! We decided to order Swiss Chalet for dinner tonight, and instead of ordering my fave quarter chicken dinner (dark meat) with FRIES, I actually ordered chicken breast with rotisserie vegetables and garden salad on the side!!! Not only that! When the order came and all the other members of my family opened their fries filled portions, I didn't take ANY from them to "sneak a taste"! I was amazed at my self! Soooo proud! I think I am finally reaching that place in myself when I recognize the choices that I need to make in order to make this happen!! In order to find myself again underneath all this "fat"...

I hope tomorrow brings a little more of stable ground, rather than vast skies...

WI#3 - Halloween Style

2008-10-31T13:41:00.004-04:00

Well...
HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all! :)

I just came back from my 3rd WI, and I lost another pound!!! That is totalling a 3.2 lb loss in the past two weeks! I won't lie, I was a bit disappointed when I saw just "one" pound show up on the scale, but then when I thought about it - it made sense! Even though I was perfectly OP and everything, I *didn't move* for the past 5 days! I am home sick a whole week now..on antibiotics...and lying in bed most of the time! It's a wonder I lost that pound!!! So, I am happy!

Now..the big question is - how will I avoid the chocolate that's all around me tonight?! I guess I'll just find a way to "trick" myself, instead of "treat"! Bwaaahahahaha I kill me... ;)

Whilst waiting...

2008-10-30T15:13:00.006-04:00

I haven't even noticed until just now that all this week I am just waiting for that next weigh in! This thought hasn't even occurred to me, since I've been sick all week, battling with some low-grade fever and general awful feeling. I have finally found out that I have strep throat, and now I am on antibiotics and home for the rest of the week...however, I still plan on making that WI at work tomorrow! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!!
This has become an obsession, I am starting to think. I have faithfully tracked points all week, and now I am ready to face the scale again tomorrow. When I step on my scale at home, it shows such varying numbers throughout the day, that I don't know what to believe any more! Sometimes it's a loss, sometimes it's a gain...but I have been so good, that I can't imagine not seeing another victory on the scale tomorrow...We'll see...til' then, we're waiting.
..
I am amazed that I would rather talk about this and not about the fact that as of last Thursday, I am OFF MEDS completely! Yes, my friends...I have been off for a week now! I guess I am hesitant to talk about that because I feel the pull to go back to what once was...my anxiety filled days...It is so hard to resist the pull, but I am battling every day. I have not had a panic attack yet, but I have had a couple of episodes of dizziness and fear starting to creep in...not to mention the constant anticipatory thoughts of "is it coming yet?? is this it???"...I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, and I am trying not to. The only reason why I haven't had a panic attack yet again is because this time "I know better"...I know that I have that control, and let me tell you - I am practicing it every week!
I will not lie and say that I am still not afraid - I am! I am terrified of falling into "old ways" - but I can't go back to meds. Not because they didn't work for me, or because I had some horrible side effects from them - I haven't had none..but because taking meds to me is just giving up...giving up on faith in myself. Panic attacks ARE mind over matter...mind over mood! And until I face these fears head on - I will NEVER be free! Meds are just prolonging the inevitable...

I am feeling very vulnerable these days...Some form of melancholy coming over me and rocking me into this state of wanting to be "alone" and "with myself"...and I know that I will have to "wake up" soon..but for now I am enjoying it...I am trusting it, that it is exactly what I need right now.

Here's to tomorrow...for MANY! reasons...

Weigh In #2

2008-10-24T15:04:00.004-04:00

Oh, I am sooo happy! :)
Finally a loss! But hey, I expected that! I was sooo good this week! Really!
Although, this morning when I weighed in, I was down 5 lbs on MY scale..but yeah, I weighed in just wearing my bra and panties...
I think I finally understand the craziness people go through when somebody else will weigh them! I actually took my jeans that I wanted to wear today and WEIGHED them! Do you know how much a pair of jeans weighs???? Anywhere between 2-3 lbs!!!!! MY DOD!!! Needless to say, I wore a "light" pair of grey work pants..man!..

I am leaving with the quote that slapped me in the face this week quite hard, and which our WW leader showed on the board today:

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution."

shocking..isn't it?...hmmmmm....

A NEW New Start

2008-10-22T14:17:00.001-04:00

It’s been a while..but a lot has happened!
Truthfully, I can’t even begin to remember what happened in the past month, but the main “change” in my life is that I have finally FULLY committed to following the Weight Watchers program. Mainly, I have joined “WW at Work” program, where every Friday, a bunch of people (all women, btw) from my company are getting together in one of our meeting rooms and with the Weight Watchers leader and having a regular WW meeting, complete with a weigh in! I have welcomed this “change” in my life, because I think that I so desperately need that accountability toward somebody! I mean – somebody else weighing you – if that will not do it, what will???
So..I have had my first meeting 2 weeks ago when I have had a first WI (weigh in), and 210.6 lbs started back at me from the scale…..
I was *NOT* impressed…But I was not surprised either. I am weighing myself almost daily for the past 2 years, so I KNOW where I am at…but just “sharing” that number with somebody else makes you want to throw up…Here I was, admitting it to the world my exact number from the scale…AND fully dressed, might I add?! Blasphemy! LOL
Anyways…the first WI after that I weighed in with the same number! I was so happy, because that was the week of the long weekend and Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was VERY thankful that I have not gained! This week however, I am in the “GAME ON!”mode, and so far, so good! I am trying not to peak at my scale on the home, so I am not getting discouraged if I am not seeing a loss right away…but I know that I have changed so many things in my diet. I *KNOW* how excruciating it was to pass up all the goodies showing up here at work at all times in order to be “on points” and faithful to the program…so I better SEE the darn loss this Friday…I will report of the results, of course!

In other news? Tomorrow marks the day when I will take my last ¼ of my medication, which will begin my last round of “getting of the meds” process – taking ¼ of the pill every other day….
I am so proud of myself on how I have handled this process! I have basically taken my own approach to this and have gone off these pills even slower than my doctor has suggested, in hopes of lowering any withdrawal side effects one might have. And I have DONE IT! I have not had *ANY* side effects since starting this withdrawal process in August (I can’t even believe I have stuck to this so long…). It’s been slow..but the end is coming! Thoughts were showing up of “how will I take it?”..and “will I get panic attacks again??”…but I am so pleased to report, that I have never felt better! Somehow everything I’ve read about anxiety and panic attacks in the past 2 years has crystallized in my mind, and I have finally taken that “mind over mood” approach and am gaining more and more confidence in myself that it is I who is in control of myself and my moods and emotions, and hence anxiety and panic, which used to grip me.

So..here I am…finding myself once more…in good, in bad…no turning back!

Excited much?

2008-09-16T16:00:00.004-04:00

So, I am a bit verklempt about this whole "withdrawing from the meds" process. I expected much worse, actually, the whole opposite!...again, I am afraid to jinx the whole thing, but honestly, I am so giddy, and happy...and excited about life, it's almost NUTS!???? All of a sudden I am dressing up, putting on makeup everyday, made an appt. to get a little haircut and colour, thinking of having a manicure...following fashion and embracing it! It's like I have lived in this "lulled" state for a year, and now I have suddenly woken up! Everything looks different all of a sudden! The life is soooo beautiful! (even though nothing special is happening!) I don't know if it's being on half a pill now, or books I am reading and kind of taking to heart on practicing what they preach (being positive and working on a lot of positive visualisation)....but it's just all phenomenal!
Anyways...GOOD! That's all I gotta say about that!

Fall is proving to be such a crazy busy time for me! Tonight I start with my classes at a local college. This semester I am taking 2 courses, so that will take two of my week nights! Loooong days for sure! We'll see how I'll take that...but so far I have noticed that I do good when I am busy and distracted by activities!
I am not going to lie to you - walking in the early morning has only happened 3 times by now, mostly because I do not seem to function by the late afternoon when I get up at 6:00 a.m.! I am fine in the morning, but once we get to about 2:00 p.m., I am DEAD~! So...I am trying to be as active as I can be otherwise, but soon I will have to resort to either going to the gym again, or walking at a different time! We'll see....
Eating has been much better and I seem to lose steady every week...Nothing big, but a loss is a loss! Past few days I have given myself more freedom than usual, but the biggest thing for me is that I am just not that hungry any more!! (another side-effect of withdrawing from the meds??? I'LL TAKE IT!!)...

All in all...doing very good...Almost too good for my taste! LOL...at least for now...

Looking and feeling fab today:

Such a great rainy day!

2008-09-12T16:11:00.004-04:00

For some reason I feel just FABULOUS today! I have no idea why, or how? Yesterday was such a "blah" day for me, since I went to bed with a headache the day before, and then woke up yesterday morning with that same headache...it was very weird, so I stayed and worked from home whole day. Thankfully, I can do that! I was very tired..took a nap...woke up feeling even worse...I am thinking it could be because of the fact that I am withdrawing from the meds, but not sure...
Anyways! Last night was the first night that I took 1/2 the pill, and so far, so good! I was freaking out a bit last night with anticipatory anxiety - expecting "what will happen now that I have taken only half a pill!"..Had hard time falling asleep...but then I woke up, and the whole morning at work has just been great! What's even more weird is that whole day I am just not HUNGRY! It's amazing!!! I can't remember when was the last time I felt like this..but I am just like "whatever" about food today! I even went out with a colleague out for lunch - just through drive through at Harvey's, and here I was thinking I was going to have hard time not ordering junk...but I was so "matter-of-fact" and ordered myself a veggie burger with a salad and bottle of water! I was SO PROUD of myself! Later on I didn't even really enjoy my veggie burger as I usually savour every bite of delish "junk", I just ate and stabbed at my salad a few times...and threw away the rest! OMG! Me throwing away food??? BLASPHEMY!!! *gasp*
But yeah...amazing! If this is another "side effect" of withdrawing from the meds - I am LOVING IT! :)
So, today is Friday...it's been raining all day, but surprisingly not affecting my mood! The weekend promises to be more of the same! My parents are coming to town, so it's going to be some family time...I like that...Kids love it, so that makes me happy!

Have a great weekend everybody!...

Who? ME????

2008-09-11T08:51:00.004-04:00

Got this award today..

Thank you, Tracy!!!! *mwaaah* I still remember the EXACT moment when you called me when I first posted about anxiety and panic attacks on the boards...I remember every little detail - where I was sitting..how I felt...how Filip was just a tiny baby sleeping in the crib at the time...I will never forget it!You deserve it right back!..and thank you once again!

Day...oh whatever!

2008-09-10T12:45:00.005-04:00

HI!!!!
Sorry for not writing sooner! I am ashamed...
After I left for my vacation, and then after I came back..I just didn't know what to write and where to begin, even though I had so much on my mind..And then because I am slightly "senile" and can't remember things lately, I just put off writing because I couldn't remember what I wanted to say, and so the days went on by and by...and here we are...a month later??? Don't even know..but I have finally decided enough is enough, and I am getting back to it! So, HERE I AM! :)

What's new???
Hmmmm....let's see - vacation was FABULOUS! I love the beach so much! I love being on the beach, laying on the beach, walking on the beach, smell of the beach, EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BEACH (you get the picture!). I was in a bikini every day, which I am sure is not a pretty sight, but it sure made me feel free! I really didn't care about my body and only conencentrated on having fun with the kids! It was well worth it, because I truly got a rest! From everything! From my mind, work, weight, everything!

In other big news though, at some point since my last post, I have decided to get off my medication! Yep...the meds that I have been on for anxiety, for a year now..I have decided that enough is enough, and that medication, while it really did do its purpose, will not get me anywhere! I also suspect it to be a really BIG reason why I am not losing more weight than I should when I watch what I eat and exercise so much! SO, on August 21st I have started taking 3/4 of a pill! I figured the slower approach I take to going off the pills, the better I will take it, and less chance of withdrawal symptoms to occur! So..3 weeks of taking 3/4, then 3 weeks of 1/2 a pill, 3 weeks of 1/4 of a pill...and then finally MEDICATION FREE!..Although I am thinking I should maybe incorporate 3 weeks of 1/4 every other day or something like that...we'll see!
SO FAR SO GOOD! This Thursday I should begin taking only 1/2...very excited about that!
In the meantime I am busy reading books that have suddenly come my way! Currently I am reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

I am LOVING IT! I am also reading a book on Anxiety and Panic Attacks, which is in turn very practical and leaves me feeling like I've just had a good talk with some therapist. All in all - these two books go very well hand in hand, because they almost speak of the same thing...If we want to get rid of our anxiety and panic attacks, we have to reprogram our unconciouss mind which we usually don't have any control over, because we don't think about it! This uncouncious can only be influenced in the "alpha" state of the mind - which is that state when you are just about to fall asleep, or you are just waking up...that feeling of being not really "here" and not yet fully "there". This is where positive visualisation can do *wonders* for our mental health! "The Power of Now" talks almost of the same thing! Going into that state and realizing that we all live in the Now...life is ALWAYS happening Now, so we better enjoy it! Of course, it goes into much more detail than that and explains why that is important, as you may imagine...I mean, am I the only one who always lived in the past??? I am ALWAYS carrying with me some moments of the past, those lingering feelings and emotions that I am thinking "made me who I am today"....It is such a profound theory this book offers, that I can't wait to read more through it and see what else it says! If you want to know more about it, you can read about it here:
http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now

Well...after all this phylosophical talk, you are probably also wondering if and what I am doing about my weight! Heh! :) Don't worry, I am still on it!! I almost feel like I don't want to talk about it, because I may jinx it! But the fact is..I am doing very well! Believe it or not, I have started waking up at 6:00 a.m. and actually WALKING outside for an hour! I even mapped the walk I take and figured I make 3.41 km in that walk alone! I even bought a pedometer to keep track of the steps I take daily, and trying to get on top of the "10,000 steps for the day" which they say is what we should all aim for! I have to admit, I only make the 10,000 steps when I go for that walk - so I better make it a habit! Last week I did that 2 times...this week I have already be out there 2 times, and today I will try to go after work to make up for it! I am also faithfully counting points again on WW online, AND, what's even more important, I am actually making my own lunches and trying to follow the whole food guide thing, where I actually get 5 servings of veggies or fruit each day, and so on....Last week alone I have lost 2 lbs...So, we'll see what this week says! I won't lie, this new found motivation didn't just occur like that...While I was under the impression that I already understood that I needed to lose weight, I never truly embraced it and follwed it whole-heartedly! This time I can feel it's different because I AM out there walking and trying to be active..I AM taking food literally in my own hands and making myself home made meals instead of buying convenient food which I think is healthy for me...This time it HURT when I realized that I was really in denial of how big I actually am! Yep, that's right....I am not just overweight, I am *OBESE*! The BMI says so, but not even that is important right now...it actually took a friend that I haven't seen for a while TELLING ME how fat I really got :(...No, don't feel sorry for me! This was not a friend who meant anything bad...This was a friend who was honest with me because I wanted him to be honest to me about it. He opened up to me to tell me what I look like to the outside world and pointed a couple of problem areas on my body which he's never seen before on me...I was dumb-struck if I can even call it that...I shouldn't have been so surprised, but I was...I wasn't even hurt..I was just sad...sad that I have let myself get to this point. No more excuses, man! I did this to myself, and I kept doing it to myself day in and day out! Even all these days when I wrote here about it, talking about all the exercising and everything, I still wasn't doing everything I needed to actually be successfull in losing weight! Sad thing is, I was only fooling myself...
So...in a way...this is a very new thing for me - starting REAL!...I know, I know..haven't I started like "3 times already" on this blog alone??? Well...I really don't care about that! The point is, I started...and I am proud of myself for once, because I KNOW I am doing it right this time!

I am trying hard not to say "watch me go", because that's what I said before...but Yes, I am holding high hopes for this journey...as I am living in the Now..let's see what "Now" will bring!

Day 70 - Off for a vacation!

2008-08-01T12:11:00.002-04:00

Well, the day has finally arrived!
We are *finally* going on vacation! This one has been long over due, since the last time we were on vacation was November 2005, when we went to Dominican!!! My husband and I are soooo ready for this one, it's ridiculous!
This time we are renting a cottage for a week in beautiful town of Bayfield on Huron Lake! I am praying for sunny and warm weather, since I plan to spend ALL OF MY DAYS at the beach and swimming as much as possible!

To all the people reading this blog, have a wonderful week, and I'll see you soon!

*mwaaaaaah*
xoxoxo

Day 67- I saw her!

2008-07-29T15:28:00.005-04:00

Heck - I spent the whole day with her! Yep, you guessed it! The Goddess in me! She was amazing and magnificent, and I was soooo happy to see her!
It happened yesterday - on my 31st birthday! That day I decided to take a vacation day off work, and schedule a half a day at a spa for me! All I can say is OH MY GOD! This was THE BEST thing I have EVER done for myself IN MY LIFE!
This place was just amazing! But given that I have never in my life enjoyed anything like that except an occasional manicure or pedicure, it was a day of many firsts!!! And what a day it was!
This is where I arrived:

Once led in, they took me to the changing room where I took all of my clothes off and put the robe I was given...let me tell you - it was like wearing a cloud! It was sooo soft and comfortable! They also provided slippers, and led me to a "waiting room" which means that you sit on a comfy couch with your feet in a little tub filled with warm water, whose surface is laden with rose petals! You are in heaven from a get-go! Once there I filled a form with my name, etc. During my wait they got my sea weed soak ready for toning, cleansing and detoxification! They led me to this room:

As you can see, in the corner of that room is a tub (by the fireplace) in which I sat for 25 minutes of BLISS! Water was THE PERFECT temperature..again, water surface laden with rose petals which caught on my body in such perfect places that I couldn't help but stare at the obvious beauty of my skin against such perfection of water, rose petals and candle light. At that moment it didn't matter that I was overweight...that my butt and hips were huge, or that my belly hang...it was just all PERFECT! That's when I saw her! The Goddess emerged in all its glory, and all I could do was just smile! The smile didn't leave my face for the whole day!
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the bliss...the perfection...the magnificence of the moments I was given.

After the soak I was led to another room and a bed where I was wrapped in a cocoon of most delicate creams and lotions. While my whole body was enveloped in such obvious "nirvana", one of the ladies massaged my face with silk, or that's what it felt like - the actual cream felt like SILK against my face! It all must have lasted for more than an hour, because after that and after my shower (which itself was again - perfection!), I was led for a 10 min. of sauna, after which my lunch - the most Delicious and fresh Mango Salad I ever tasted - awaited for me in this room:

Lightness of the lunch was perfect innuendo for what awaited next - my 90 minute full body massage by an RMT! OMG!!!! Yes, in 31 years of my life, I have never before that moment experienced another's hands on me in that way! Ok...no joke...this was seriously the first time I have ever had a massage, and it was all I expected and MORE! This woman was amazing! She applied just enough pressure for me to have all the benefit from the massage, but not to feel attacked on - as she said described it :)..It was a PERFECT end to a PERFECT day! In one second I literally fell asleep during that massage, and felt myself jump out of it quickly so I don't start to snore or something! :)
All of that took just over 4 and a half hours!
After I have gone out of the spa doors, I felt like I have spent ages in another world. As I have already mentioned, smile has not left my face for the whole day, even though I returned to reality pretty quickly after that, as my kids and my husband came home.
Needless to say, I fell asleep by 9:00 p.m. that night and could HARDLY get up this morning at 7:00 a.m.!

So, now that I have seen her, I can't wait to see her again, and then make her stay...forever!

Day 59 - Going strong!

2008-07-21T16:27:00.005-04:00

Well, here I am! Still going strong after a whole week! This is a first! ;)
Last week I've been to the gym 4 times! This week I plan to do the same: 2 times with PT (with whome I have just about 10 sessions left *sniff* :( ), and then 2 times by myself! I am doing a regular Friday noon class of "Limber Limbs" (deep tissue massage usig a foam roller, and stretching) and then the spinning class on Saturdays - which I still die in, but I am attending in all of my 'sweaty glory'! :>
Oh, and I also bought new running shoes! They look exactly like this:

They are beauuuuuuuutiful! It's amazing what just a nice little piece of "wear" can do for you!
All in all - a good week, and I predict that this one will be even better! So, let's get it oooooooooon!!!!!

Day 55 - The sun is shining!

2008-07-17T14:10:00.006-04:00

Aaaaaaah!
There is nothing in this world that feels better than FEELING GOOD! You know that feeling when all kinds of things are going well for you? When you have a fairly full social calendar, when you are with people you love and you feel loved back! AND when you hit your goals you've set up before yourself..The feeling is just priceless!!!
Well, that's how I feel right now! I am SO sore from working out just an hour ago with my PT. He's been working me harder than ever, but I feel great! We only have 10 more sessions left, and I am a bit sad thinking about it..but again, that's 5 more weeks of working out with him! woohooo! :)...I better put them to good use!
Weight-wise, I am still out there with the numbers! It's very cruel how those numbers sneak on you when you're not careful - but I am at peace with it. For a long while my old digital scale didn't work, and I was getting so frustrated when it would show a LOSS, and a week after, a dramatic gain, which just couldn't have happened! So, I decided to spring some money for a new scale, and got myself a new "professional mechanical scale", which looks exactly like this:

I LOVE IT! Yeah, the initial number is *ugly*, but I love that it is constant now ALWAYS! And you can actually recalibrate to zero whenever you want! It also comes with 5 different colour markers, so you can mark your previous weight on it - it's quite playful :)....All in all - the best scale I've ever had, so I hope it will be kind to me from here on!

In other news, I have had so much fun with going to the gym fairly regularly over the past few weeks! I have gone to a lot of classes, and actually found that I enjoy SPINNING! Which is so amazing! First off, you spend TONS of calories! I sweat buckets too! But the biggest accomplishment for me was just trying out that class, considering I HATE the stationary bike, as I have always gotten so tired on it, and felt like I could just never do it! This is so much different! And with a great trainer, it feels like a breeze!!! 45 minutes just go by so quickly, that you feel like you could go all over again! I have seriously found the best class in the gym there is! I have done it 2 times by now, but I definitely plan to go whenever I get a chance! My gym is also bringing tons of new classes as of September, as well as offering Yoga and Pilates for free with my membership (which now it is not), so I am definitely looking forward to that!
Eating is getting better also. I am bringing fruit for my snacks, and trying to choose wisely when going out for lunches, and when eating dinner. One thing that has amazed me, is that for the last week or so, I have just NOT BEEN HUNGRY at all, after dinner! That means that from 6:00 p.m. or so, I do not eat again until breakfast the next day!!! I have no idea how this happened, as I used to go nuts if I am not eating every 2-3 hours...and would ALWAYS need at least a bite of something before bed, but something has definitely shifted, and I am just not that hungry anymore!!! I am just LOVING THIS! I feel an impassable amount of freedom because of this! Freedom from food! Freedom from HUNGER!

Also...don't think that I am forgetting "Malia"!! That technique I talked about in my last post is just amazing!!! More, and more, I am learning to talk back to her! That negative voice in my head is just not getting a chance to talk to me anymore as much as it used to! What it actually does, is that as soon as I feel upset, sad, emotional or ANYTHING that would lead me to mindless eating or feeling beaten down, I now TAKE TIME to analyze it...Talk back to it...Understand where it is coming from...and then I finally realize that food is definitely not an answer to that! Where before I would look at myself in the mirror, decide I was too fat, and go grab the first cookie that would sit out there in the cafeteria for everybody to take, I am now looking in that same mirror, noticing whatever negative I would think..and then CHANGING IT! Talking back to it! Deciding that I am on my way of doing something about it, and even noticing that I look a bit better already...and walking out of there and filling up a cup of green tea, or water!

I am working it...and LOVING IT!

Summer is finally here, the sun is shining, and I have a full schedule of very pleasant things on my plate! WOOOHOOO! :)

Day 53 - Meet "Malia"

2008-07-15T15:39:00.010-04:00

"Malia" is a cruel woman. Her pure existence is pathetic, and her whole purpose is based on putting me down and feeding of my weakness in her presence. Although perfectly beautiful on the outside (as she needs to taunt me with her physical perfection), her soul is black and purely malicious (hence the name). She wears many masks of this perfection, but underneath all that plastic is an old, grumpy, green-with-envy, and ugly decomposing face! Her power is overwhelming at times, as she uses anxiety, fear, and low self-esteem as her power and feeds off of my every "blue" emotion! I absolutely hate when she talks, and I definitely want to make her just SHUT UP! I want to destroy her, ridicule her, strip her of her many "beautiful" faces, and expose the ugly truth of her, that she is simply NOTHING...lower than pond scum...to be dispersed into thin air into non-existence!
...
You must think I have gone crazy...but no, my friends, this is a "Buddhist technique vipassana, or mindful mediation, used to treat stress, chronic pain and an array of emotional and physical disorders!" (Taken from the "SELF" Magazine and the article "Talking myself up", as written by Deanna Kizis)
Supposedly, Buddhists have long known of the power you can gain by humanizing a critical inner voice. So, they practice a principle known as apostrophizing. "You take your feelings, treat them as if they have their own identity and speak directly to them"..."This will give you detachment, according to the Buddha."...
And hence the existence of "Malia"...my evil twin...my "negative self"...
I have given her a name, character, and even physical appearance....To tell you the truth, once I have exposed her in such plain site before all of you, she has already lost some power over me! It's amazing! These Buddhists definitely knew what they were talking about!

"Malia" was the one who tells me that I am a "fat pig" when I give myself a glimpse in the mirror of the office bathroom! She says I can't really commit to anything, and that everything I am doing is a scam and a lie for myself - to think I am something I am not..Oh, man - she's evil! Definitely a pathetic existence!
So, I am learning to talk back to her! That is the whole purpose. Once I have drawn her up in front of me - I can distance MYSELF from her pathetic existence, and address her as a separate entity that she is, and beat her down!

By mentally naming all negative feelings and thoughts - you dilute their power to bring you down. Naming an emotion, seems to zap it right away! For example, when you are scared and you say to yourself: "This is fear!" ..it somehow dissipates into much less than what you first thought of ...what you first felt about it!
I will definitely try this when that anxiety strikes...or panic...
Imagine experiencing a full blown panic attack and suddenly saying out loud: "this is panic"....I imagine it jolting you right up into REALITY of the fact that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU!

Wow, "Malia", you have no idea what's coming to you! *evil laugh*

Day 47 - It's raining...

2008-07-09T12:24:00.003-04:00

I am feeling blue a LOT these days...Which is so ironic, seeing that I have spent numerous blog entries talking about being positive, turning the page, "Loving Yourself" lessons...
I just don't get it! I am so desperately trying to see past that number on the scale which, for me, is getting uglier by the day! :( Am I in some kind of denial, that I am eating way too much and thinking I am OK??? Because to me it seems I am just gaining weight and have no reason to justify it at all! :( I am not eating *that much*, am I???
Tracking in WW has weaned off after the first week when I have lost a pound...afterwards I seemed to "know" what I was eating and "know" that I was being "on plan", without having to track it...but it seems it doesn't really work that way! I even went to the gym numerous times since then...sweating my butt off, thinking I am seeing results...only to step on a scale and see an even bigger number than last time!?!
I am clueless, and I feel like crying this whole morning today!
The road seems so long and the end unreachable...and I am getting tired! :(

I feel so guilty for dumping this "negativity" again on here, because this seems to not be a "happy" blog I wanted it to be...the one where I would mark and track my successes in finding that beautiful person inside - both physically and psychologically!...but I just can't hold it in anymore!
This life is turning out to really not be so "peachy and rosy" as I thought it would be! This journey particularly is just plain HARD! And it's full of let-downs...I am sick of how this has an effect on my self-confidence...of the GUILT I feel for failing over and over again...for disappointing not just myself, but everybody around me!
But how long can I live with such a guilt and succeed in this??? I don't think those two can go together...

Yes, I KNOW I am the one who has control! But it is *ME* who is disappointing ME over and over again....and I am just full of fear....fear of staying this way..fear of getting worse....fear of losing myself completely, because I don't even recognize myself any more - I have no idea who this girl is with all this fat around her...and I am not sure how to deal with her, at all!

Le BIG *sigh*...

..sorry...

Day 41 - The hardest lesson of all...

2008-07-04T16:03:00.004-04:00

So, a dear friend posts this today and I absolutely fall in love it it:

You are worth it!
You are worth the trouble and effort required to make your life the best it can possibly be. There is so very much you have to express, to give, to experience and to contribute to the magnificent fabric of life.

You are worth the discomfort and frustration that you'll regularly need to get through. You are worth the pain that the world will sometimes offer.

For within you is the capacity for great joy and astounding achievement. Within you are beautiful and worthy dreams that long to be fulfilled.

You are one of a kind and you are filled with a driving purpose. You are worth whatever it takes to give that special purpose a lasting and meaningful expression.

Yes, the disappointments, inconveniences, pains, problems and annoyances will surely and steadily come. Yet they are indeed quite trivial compared to the precious possibilities that live within you.

Make whatever efforts necessary, endure whatever setbacks you must, move forward through whatever challenges may come along. For there is no question that you are worth it.

-- Ralph Marston

I have seen people on some TV shows falling to tears when they say or finally understand what it means to BELIEVE that they are WORTH IT to be healthy, to be happy - that they deserve everything their heart desires! Even I sit here, reading these words, and I don't really believe it! Yes, I can say to myself 1000 times "I am worth it"...but I am not sure if it reaches me to that level where I truly comprehend that I do deserve it..that I am *worth it*! Does it take a trained psychologist to make you realize this?? Do we need special instructions on how to comprehend this and for it to reach us completely, so we embrace it and BELIEVE in it?

I am worth it.

See...I wrote it...I believe I am worthy...but it does nothing for me...I probably don't really believe that I am then...and there probably lies the reason for my failures. Huh...

Day 39 - I can't stop....

2008-07-02T15:57:00.003-04:00

eating, that is! :(
By now I have eaten "37.5 pts" (WW-speak) worth of food...and it's not even 4:00 p.m....
In the last 2 hrs. I have eaten 3 timbits (little round donuts) and a whole box of Swiss chocolate covered wafers....I feel SICK to my stomach, but if I had anything more to eat right here at my desk - I would!
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT????
I am really trying to understand this process; and I've been "studying" myself for too long to be so clueless, but yet I still am! And it makes me absolutely livid!
I feel like I am betraying those of you who are cheering for me and have been saying: "so glad you're doing so good..I knew you could do it.."..and so on! I feel like such a fake and am embarrassed in front of you...and it's partly the reason why I can't be quiet at this point when I am everything BUT!....

I am speechless. I don't know what to say anymore. I wish I had the answer. I hate to be that classic case of a food addict - a person who is trying to fill some emotional void with food - but I am! I am not in denial! I am just clueless as to what that void is! I wish I could find out, so I can fix it!

*sigh*

If you know what this is, or how to get through this madness, please share!....

If I can get to the gym tonight, I will be much happier, but I may not have a chance to do that tonight, so I may be stuck with this yucky feeling until I regain some sense and stop behaving this way!...maybe tomorrow???

Day 33 - Getting there!

2008-06-26T14:23:00.004-04:00

Well..it's been a while! However, all these days have completely been filled with "food for thought" findings and new things I've learned about myself. I think that in the past month I have learned more about myself than ever before! Results? I am not sure if I am surprised or not, but it has truly been eye-opening to find out how negative I've been and how that has not only influenced me, but my family too. I hope that these new lessons are now learned, and that I am now set to start this journey anew...Well, not really "anew" - I am not going to say "Day 1" all over again, but in a way, I have reached that moment where I was ready to begin implementing a lot of "basic steps" into getting to a healthier me!
First off - I joined Weight Watchers Online, again! I was journaling what I was eating in my Excel file I made for myself, but it didn't really work on keeping me accountable...it just wasn't that appealing - plus I didn't have any limits to control what I have been eating. Second of all, I think I finally understand that without more movement, I will do NOTHING!...So, this week alone, I have been to the gym 3 times already! Last night I even went to a spinning class for the first time! HA! Let me tell you - I just about died 2 or 3 times; but I didn't give up! I finished it, and what's even more weird - I think I will return to do it again! I may even make it a habit! :) So..we'll see...I am not making any commitments, as commitments just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me - expectations I never live up to...so I'll just take it slowly...one moment at a time... Something I've learned about myself days ago ;)

I hope, no, I KNOW! that this time is different...that this time I have more resolve..this time I am approaching this in a more holistic way - viewing myself from every aspect of life - spiritual, physical, as well as emotional....I am digging inside and I swear I can almost touch her...that Goddess in me!!!

Day 23 - The Thought

2008-06-12T15:25:00.004-04:00

These days are flying by!
No, it does not mean that I have been perfectly "good" for 23 days, or that I have any results to show for it....but for 23 days I have compassionately observed myself and have learned a TON! I am still learning to be disciplined, as I've learned recently:

"Discipline is remembering what you want."

You would think I KNOW what I want already and am remembering all the time! Yet..It seems I keep forgetting, as I am in no way ready to say or show that I am truly disciplined! I have also learned that we ALL have discipline! It is not something, as I previously believed, that you either HAVE or NOT HAVE...like some genetic trait...I used to say: "I just don't have any self-control!", as if it is an excuse for anything! Discipline is in us all - we just need to practice using it! The more we use it, the better we become at it!
So, here I am, practicing!

You can't motivate someone who can't hear you, so here I am, YELLING at myself to be who I want to be!...as "every decision we make - EVERY DECISION - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are." (quote by Neal Donald Walsch).

To tell you the truth, it is not easy to take all these findings and just use them. You know - "practice what you preach" and such, as these are really deep and serious findings! Everything sounds easy enough - but it is NOT!...
It is HARD being positive! It is hard retraining your thoughts, your being, to get the best out of yourself, when for so long you thought that you just had 'bad luck'...HA! I have just caught myself being negative again! I should actually say: "it is easy being positive! It is easy to retrain your thoughts, your being, and to get the best out of yourself...just do it!" :)...

From the "100 Ways to Motivate Others" book:

Understanding the "thought" in life:

A. I'm depressed.
B: You just think you're depressed.
A: Same thing...it feels like the same thing.
B: It feels like the same thing, because it IS the same thing.
A: What if I thought I was really happy?
B: I think that would make you feel really happy.

Hmmmmmmm....

Don't you notice the similarities between all these different books and the famous "Secret" practice? "Secret" was never something new ...basically it wasn't a secret..Other writers have just not made such a big hype about it!..
But yes, thought, my friends, is a powerful thing!

I am definitely getting there! ;)

Day 15 - Turning the page

2008-06-04T13:20:00.003-04:00

So, I am looking at this page, and I sense the negativity coming from it. The guilt..retelling of the failures...no true motivation...knowledge that I am not really happy about it all - all in all, I am NEGATIVE in my expression to you, and I generally do feel like a "negative person"...
So this morning I asked myself - what does it take to be positive??? Can I BE positive all of a sudden? How can I make that happen?
So, as usual, I am thinking and researching...AND doing a lots of reading!
First words I stumble upon:

"You are what you think. You feel what you want."

WHOA! These words hit me hard! Imagine that. Feeling what you WANT to feel???
Next glance, I find these words:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincoln-

I am really getting close now!
So, our present attitudes are like habits! We built them based on the feedback from our parents, from friends, teachers, priests, society in general!
To be happy, and be "positive" we have to build our self-esteem that exists in all of us and promote positive thinking!
To do this, we do 3 things:

1.Commit
2.Control
3.Challenge

These 3 words are pretty self explanatory. People who do these are successfull people - HAPPY people!

So, this change from negative to positive has to come from inside! It is much easier to affect change internally because we are dealing with an aspect of the universe that we have some control over! These 'inner conversations' we have with ourselves day to day have to change! I mean, it's nothing new to think that any person who has a weight problem has self-esteem issues also. And although we let it built to its present pathetic existence, in order to be happy and CHANGE that, we have to rebuild our inner circuit! Our thoughts...our perceptions! Because guess what - PERCEPTIONS ARE REALITY! YOUR reality!
We have to learn to act as if the life we visualized is already here! The only thing between you and your desire to be happy is one single fact: You are not happy because of how you think! This little known fact keeps many from reaching their goal of happiness...
You create your thoughts, your thoughts create your intentions, your intentions create your reality!

So, I am turning the page...
I am becoming positive! To build this habit of positive thinking, I will wake up each morning and thank the universe for my existence - whatever it is...and get on with the day as it were my happiest day in my life! Even though I may not feel like it - you LITERALLY HAVE TO PRACTICE FEELING GOOD! Make yourself smile when you do not want to smile! Go meet someone new when you absolutely feel like being alone!...We have to go against ourselves to build this new habit...and I truly hope that one day I will wake up and not have to make myself smile, or remind myself to think positive...I will just "be"!

Day 13 - Guilt

2008-06-02T12:12:00.004-04:00

SATC movie outing with the girls was GREAT! I couldn't believe the movie crowd! All women (actually - we found 2 men in the crowd!!! LOL) were dressed in their top fashion! The colourful array of flowy dresses, and sexy heels! It was just AMAZING! Excitement was definitely in the air throughout the whole movie, as we laughed and *sniffed* through a few scenes of the movie! All in all - I loved it! Yeah, it may not have been as "raunchy" as the series, but definitely worth it, as I missed the girls so much!

Now, me? I don't know what to tell you. I am soooo trying to be on the right track! Yes, I am still giving into small temptations, but I have mostly come to a point where a lot of things just disgust me! I don't know if it's my sensitive tummy these days, but I have found a lot of things just plain revolting to me that I used to eat all the time, and even crave! I am still missing a lot of activity in my life, as my sessions with the PT have stalled a little due to my hectic work schedule. I still feel guilty of all kind of things I am doing - and so guilty of asking for more "me" time from the family...so I have to do with the time that I have - which is "work time" - which doesn't allow for much anymore...hence, my difficulties.
Darn guilt!
I don't know if it's my hormones again, but I have been all over the place over the weekend. Even throughout the movie, I have experienced a "mild" panic-attack...which has left me shaky the rest of the night! I hate the fact that panic attacks have that "after effect"...It's so hard to shake off...
Then I got furious and so irritated with the fact that I am STILL experiencing these, even though I am on "medication" for almost a frigging year! I thought I would come to a point where I would feel like I no longer need it - and not feel like I need something STRONGER! :( This has also led me to think that I may need to find someone professional to talk to once again about this....
How do we truly get better? How do we get cured from any psychological disorder? Do we ever???
I am confused. And in the meantime I do feel "the guilt"....it is everywhere...and damn it if I know how to deal with it! *sigh*

Day 10 - Sex & The City Premiere

2008-05-30T14:39:00.003-04:00

I can't wait until 6:50 tonight, when all the lights in the movie theatre will dim down and that well known theme of the series starts! *big grin*
Sex & The City movie is finally out - and I am going to see it with 5 of my girlfriends!! 6 of us are going for the first show at Galaxy Cinemas, followed by Cosmos at Wildcraft, after the movie! wooohooo!!!! I am sooo excited!
I may even dare to put on my new heels and some "extra" makeup! LOL
Just joking...but yeah - I am DEFINITELY in the mood for this tonight!
Food wise, I am doing just "ok"...not overly cautious, but not overeating at all! I am still watching what I eat and all, I just wish there was some more activity included. Oh well....
Days are so hectic though - how am I supposed to do it all??? Seriously! I wonder, how do we do it all??? Work, home, kids, friends, and keeping our sanity in check?! I am so overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I have on my shoulders these days - and guilt is the *worst* you can feel when you have a *slight* problem with "disorderly eating"! Guilt makes us do some very bad things and does a number on our sanity! It is the worst of the feelings, because it lingers for so long, and it's hard to get rid of....If you find the way - let me know!

Meanwhile, you know where to find me! I'll be the one in black peep-toe heels! ;)

Weigh In #1

2008-05-29T09:14:00.002-04:00

Lost 2 lbs in a week!
Not a big "woohooo" - but very good for a change! I am finally LOSING!
As always - that first day when you weigh in - you give yourself freedom to eat a bit more - so I have had a crazy day...I still tried to eat well - but it was the "going out with people from work" that did me in! However, I am hoping that won't have a huge influence on my next week! Onward we go! ;)

Day 6

2008-05-26T15:55:00.003-04:00

I gotta say - I am proud of myself!
I don't know how I did it, but somehow I have reached that point where "enough is enough" and I have really started to pay attention! And believe it or not - that is all that is needed!!!
So, my parents were visiting for the weekend, and that is usually the time where I just pig out, because mom is cooking home made meals, and our whole socilizing concentrates around food! We had a "seafood bbq" on Saturday with some friends, then we were invited to another BBQ on Sunday...all in all - I had plenty of opportunity to pig out - BUT I DIDN'T! I ate just enough to not be hungry, and didn't snack all the time like I usually do when we are all together, because someone is eating AT ALL TIMES! But let me tell you, it wasn't so easy! I had to really think of my every step, every minute...I had to remind myself what I want, why I am not taking that cookie, or picking up an extra serving of something delicious we had on the table...It is WORK! ..and at some point I am probably going to get sick of it and will wonder how one is supposed to live like that their whole life...but at this point, that is what I have to do! I told you that for me, this is not going to be one day at a time - but one SECOND at a time! And it is exactly that! Watching and reminding myself all the time!
I saw my PT again today - first time in 2 weeks (he was on vacation), and told him that I have taken things into my own hands this time. Told him how I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 10 lbs. over my initial weight, when I first joined the gym!..and how that is just NOT ok! He gave me all of his support, so I have exactly 17 sessions more with him, to make some difference!! I hope that with this new plan I do something....that I finally see some results!
And one more small "victory" if you please - after the workout I usually get a "Berry Blitz" from the little cafe that is RIGHT THERE by the gym - which is just a protein smoothie - berries, non-fat yogurt and a spoonful of protein powder...but this time I didn't! First of all - it's darn EXPENSIVE! (almost $6 for a medium shake!), and second of all - I DIDN'T NEED IT! I already had some non-fat yogurt at my desk that I brought from home to have for snack..so I just had that and some almonds - and I am not hungry!!! so, YAY! :)

All in all - expecting to see some results on Wednesday - that would be exactly a week since I started this little "diet plan"...which I wouldn't even call a diet - because I am eating really well - but just watching portions and eliminating junk and processed sugars.

Thankfully, I only had headache for that one day - all other days - pain free! Actually, ask me tomorrow, after all of this exercising from today kicks in! ;)

Day 2 - Ouch!

2008-05-22T15:57:00.004-04:00

HUGE headache!
My body is SHOCKED by all this "good" (or should I say "orderly") behaviour!
Day 2 is a pure success! (so far)...
I did a huge grocery shopping yesterday and got all the right stuff - lots of veggies..lots of fruits! Then came home and made a good dinner with a big salad!
Today, I have planned my snacks...low-fat yogurts and fruits, walnut halves and almonds, lots of veggies for lunch with some grilled chicken! No juices today, well-portioned breakfast, no modified sugars of any kind except those found naturally in fruit, and my body is stunned! This huge headache I am currently writing under is just a proof of how badly I was doing before! The sugar withdrawal - the first symptom of anybody starting to eat healthy and taking out processed sugars! HA! Take that!
Strangely enough, I am happy...in pain, but happy!
One more revelation from yesterday --> brushing teeth helps immensly! with managing boredom eating! I went to the dentist yesterday and had some cleaning done, etc...so I brushed my teeth maybe 3-4 times yesterday! Anyways - once you get your mouth all squicky clean and smelling minty-fresh, you really think of keeping it that way and not divulging in obsessive and mindless eating! So - great strategy!
Other than some heavy house work I did yesterday, activity is still going to be something I have to strive for to get in my day. Yes, I will still see PT twice weekly - but it is hardly enough to get this much fat off any time soon! I still have 18 sessions with him, and in order to do it justice and see some real results - I will have to kick my bum into gear to exercise on those days when I do not see him! I am thinking of walking as a start?! Climbing some stairs instead of taking the elevator at work (since I work on the 3rd floor)...All great ideas - we'll see when I will find it necessarry to incorporate!?!
I am always good on talk; action is another matter altogether! *sigh*

Day 1

2008-05-21T09:46:00.002-04:00

So, here I am!
Day 1. So far, so good...
I can't say I am following any "plan" - my plan for now is to just stay "neutral" - to not overeat, and eat only when I am hungry...no junk...lots of water...and get some moving in there somewhere - some activity! I am writing down what I am eating, to notice any bad habits, and what I am eating and NOT eating...That is a big one! Like no fruits or veggies? Unless they are mixed in some "ready-to-eat food"...I also think I am overeating on cereal and soy milk - some portion control is in need! ..and I need fat-free dairy products. :-S
So..as I am sitting here and thinking of "Day 1" - I cannot but wonder what I have been doing and how I've been getting out of control. I think, NO - I KNOW!, that a lot of my overeating has come from my anxiety and panic attacks issues...For a long while I thought that my blood sugars were crashing and that was the reason why I got those attacks and that awful feeling of being "unwell" - so I would get something to eat at the first sign of starting to feel that way....and I've been feeling like that A LOT! Later on it just became a habit - simple game of association - I associated food with feeling good, comfort in the situations where I felt weak, unwell, shaky, scared....even when I just hated myself and was sad, etc...I know this is nothing new to anybody who has ever dealt with weight loss, or just plain read about it; but to tackle those issues head on, is so complex! It's weird to say, but it is true - weight problems are the least associated with actual food! It is our emotional issues behind the eating that make us gain all that fat!!!
"The Food Stress" as I found one woman call it (will give you another quote (with her name) later). That stress that is connected with eating - stress from so many things that can go wrong in life; from things we are disatisfied about, even the stress of stressing of what to eat and when to eat, and why we are gainig weight!
It is too much for anybody to take! The body has NEEDS! If those needs are not met, the body makes us do crazy things! If you do not give your body all the nutrients it needs to function at its optimum, all the organs in our body start to protest! It is this disorderly behaviour of our body, that makes us manifest this "disorderly eating"...This is one viscious cirle that is so hard to get out of, if not properly addressed! You just HAVE to take these things slow, otherwise, you will overlook just one simple reason, of so many that make us eat and gain weight! So, for now I will be my "compassionate observer" and just observe myself - try to do my best and observe.

Here is the quote from one really smart woman I stumbled upon:
"I wish you could be a fly on the wall of my office, and listen as I interview patients about their eating habits. It is rare to find a single soul who is not experiencing what I call food stress, or disorderly eating. One cannot help but feel sorry for the poor body parts sitting before me. These body systems and cell groups are locked up, unable to get what they need to survive. Imagine someone carrying a hungry baby in their arms, and refusing to feed it. When individuals refuse to feed their body correctly, it is very much the same. The person with the baby could be arrested for child abuse. It’s unfortunate that there isn’t a law against self-abusing one’s body. Perhaps if there was such a law, people would begin to pay attention to what they are doing to themselves." Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht

Keeping in mind that I do indeed have the control, I am just compassionately observing...It may just be the time that I should finally start to like myself, if not love...yet.

The truth will set you free...

2008-05-20T17:11:00.001-04:00

I just read Emily Giffin's new book over the weekend..."Love the One You're With".
I bought it not because I've read this author before (even though I've seen her books all over the place), but only based on it's title..of it's "theme"...
This book has so closely written my thoughts, so many thoughts I would not or COULD not write down ever...it presented all the questions I've had for so long..but it also provided answers to those questions.
It may be silly to say, but over the course of the 2 days that it took for me to read this book - I was set free! The truth in it, has set me free!
I feel like the light bulb appeared over my head when I read the last page!
If you have ever wondered "what if" in your life, I recommed this book!

"I begin tomorrow!"

2008-05-20T14:08:00.003-04:00

How many times have you heard that one? Saying it to yourself, or your friends, or anyone! I begin the diet tomorrow! I'll start on Monday!.....

I stepped on my scale this morning and lost all the colour from my face! I was dumbfounded looking at the ugly number on the scale! How can it be??? What have I done??? I weigh more than EVER (and not being pregnant)...almost as much as I weighed when I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter...that is DISGUSTING! Where the heck is that weight?? I honestly don't see myself as being THAT fat when I look in the mirror! WTF???
It's so ugly I can't even say the number...just trust me - it's UGLY! 10 lbs more than when I began training with my PT???? HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THAT BE????

So, what do I say to myself???
"I begin tomorrow"...

And so tomorrow will come..well, tomorrow. In the meantime - I need to prepare myself mentally, to realize what that will mean...what changes have to occur. My very good and old friend (not "old" in age..just how long I know her LOL) commented on my last post and plainly told me - "you have the control"...That's all that is! It's your control...your doing! YOU decide that you want this..that you will do a), b), and c)...and you'll get there! So here I am, trying to think what a) will be...and what b) and c) I have to do to do it right!
It's not like I don't know what to do to lose weight - gosh - I am a walking encyclopedia on weight loss! In theory I am a GD wiz! It's the "practical" part of it - the one where you have to DO stuff to make it happen, that I have a problem with....
So..here I am, trying to dust off my old brain and remember all the right things...

I know some smartypants would say - why wait for tomorrow - begin right now...today! That next moment....but I can't! For me - this will not be "one day at a time"....I am so deep in now that this will have to be "one step at a time"..heck "ONE SECOND AT A TIME"....I am an addict! Food is my drug of choice - the one that makes me feel safe and warm and loved and comforted, but only while I eat it...that is a big BUT! (LOL...no pun intended)....

So, I begin tomorrow...

God, please, make it be my last one!!!

I got nuttin'!

2008-05-06T13:13:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged in more than a month. Please do not blame me. I really have NO idea where the time went, but also, I think the biggest reason for it would be that I am embarrassed that I have had NO real losses...no real results..no NOTHING! :( Yes, I have exercised in the gym 2 times per week as usual, and I have "tried" to watch what I eat, but I noticed that for the most part I didn't really cared and ate whatever the heck I wanted!
I really REALLY do not understand myself anymore - SERIOUSLY! I am trying to comprehend how someone can go against EVERYTHING they truly desire - but then it of course begs the question "do you really desire what you think you do?"....Like the obvious "I desire to be at a healthy weight! To be "skinny"...to be able to wear any clothes I want and look good in it!"....To me this is soo obvious! Without a doubt - this is what I *truly want*...so HOW COME I am doing everything to not get there??? Do I really like to eat more than I would like to lose weight? I mean, isn't' that what it comes down to? If so, how awful is that??? Isn't that like one of the "sins"? Gluttony?
The scale is AWFUL to me too....It says I weigh more than I weighed at the beginning of my weight loss journey, which by itself is just too depressing to think of! PT tells me that I shouldn't look at the scale at all - go by how I feel, etc. And yeah, I truly feel stronger and "leaner"..but I don't see it in the mirror, and the scale certainly doesn't show it...so, what's the point?! I ask myself that question every day!
Every freakin' day I think of how I want to lose weight. Every day I think about food. If I eat what I shouldn't I feel extreme guilt and failure - which is what I feel like most days - and it's driving me nuts! I am starting to feel worse physically...my old fears creeping up...anxiety here and there....insecurities about anything and everything! How long can I stand this???

I am so embarrassed....I don't want anybody to know how bad I am doing, so I have immersed myself into work and have disappeared from all other aspects of my life! My salvation is work these days as I am sooo busy, and I love it! One bright light among it all.....yet again...I am walking around the office and feeling like a "fat girl" of the group....and it's NOT ME! I am trying to explain to everyone I meet: "oh, this is my post-pregnancy weight still on me that I am trying to get rid off...you know, I am going to the gym!"...and all of them are: "oh great! Good for you!".....How long can I use the "post-pregnancy" excuse??? Uuuuum, my "baby" will be 2 soon!
..
*sigh*

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to read. I would have loved to give you another philosophical piece to ponder your minds and to leave you with a good feeling after reading this blog...but I just got nothing for you right now.

I got nuttin'!

The Nerve!

2008-04-01T16:24:00.002-04:00

My PT had a nerve to tell me that he will NOT do the exercise session with me today because I am sick! I mean - I was just coughing a bit, and maybe sniffling just a tad, but COME ON!
Oh ok...so he was actually very concerned and comforting and didn't want me to overdo it...He says my body will thank me and that I should eat plenty of dark greens and SLEEP!...uummm...I WISH! But yeah...no exercise for me today!

The scale was VERY nice to me this morning when it showed 197 lbs! This is GREAT, since I've been hovering over 200 lbs FOREVER! I hope it's not just "water weight" from my sickness last Saturday...We'll see...

Finally finished another course for Project Management last night! 3 down, 4 more to go! I have 2 weeks of "rest" until another one starts...oh well...

On a completely different note, I am wearing my new Victoria's Secret 100% cashmere sweater, and I feel soooo glam! ;)

It looks exactly like this:

Oh, I *wish* I looked like HER! :> However, I feel equally sexy as she looks in that photo! ;) HA!

oy vey...again...

2008-03-31T11:54:00.002-04:00

This truly sucks!
I got sick. AGAIN! For fluck's sakes!!!
Stomach bug again..6 lbs gone in a day...4 lbs came back this morning...Oh well - at least I am feeling better!
Oh..and I am COUGHING again! I have no idea what's up with this season??? Is it because the winter was/is so long, or what???? I am officially sick of winter and am DEMANDING for spring to come. SOON! Thank you very much.

Other than all that...Everything else pretty much continues to be the same...I am getting my exercise in with PT 2 times a week..but I am starting to think that's not enough. Not enough exercise, and certainly not enough work to lose any weight, by itself! Yes, I feel stronger and stuff..but really, nothing has changed! I have to SERIOUSLY rethink my eating and all that...although if I think, I really, honestly, do not eat that much...but I guess I eat enough not to lose..or my body has just gotten really FINE with the way I eat and won't budge! I need some DRASTIC measures to get me moving! Of course..being on metabolism-slowing-pills doesn't help :(

*sigh*

Work is going great and I am truly loving every minute of it! I just hope I can continue at the same pace! Boss tells me he got great feedback on me, so my fingers are crossed...although, what's coming won't be so easy on me - 11 projects and all on me!!! Oh well, one step at a time!

On another note..I am still trying to figure myself out...Things I've noticed by now?
- I am really scared of life...of everything!...
- I do not "do" lonely well..
- I am so self-suggestive...it's driving me nuts!
- For some reason or another, life has thrown a real curve ball at me, and I am trying to figure it all out...
- I need a mental vacation! Seriously.
- I am thinking about death...a lot...No, I am not suicidal, but I am thinking of what if I die? I am getting this sensation that death is for some reason close to me these days..and I know that it may seem crazy to anybody reading this...but I need to get it out there...
I do not WANT to die...but for some reason subject of death seems to come up for me these days...a friend that's in the hospital who just had a stroke, to remembering people that already died...to thinking of what if I die? How does it feel?...I think I am mostly dealing with the FEAR of death because of my anxiety...I mean - why do I get anxious in the first place? Because the physical sensations I get make me think that some kind of a disaster is coming, and I am dying...so to overcome that, I think I am trying to deal with the subject of death, so that I can get "over it"...And somehow I am finding peace with it....Although, to tell you the truth, I don't think we are ever really "over it"...It's human nature to fight for the survival and so be afraid of death...but if I could just win over the anxiety of it all - it would be great...am I asking too much? Am I making any sense at all?? LOL

I should probably just go and take a shower, quit whining, and start living! (no pun intended) ;)

Ashamed...

2008-03-16T21:44:00.002-04:00

"14-day eating plan" has turned into a "3-day try out" and then I just quit :( To tell you the truth, I don't know why...Days just got hectic...I didn't eat much or "wrong" - I just didn't eat what the plan said, and I felt so bad for doing so, but I avoided facing myself and just continued on...I was too busy at work; life got in a way...I got sick again...and I just got tired of following "the rules"... :( I am so ashamed right now. I didn't really want to write, but I have to let it out and confess. What is the alternative? I am so afraid of staying fat forever. My whole life just TRYING to lose weight, but never succeeding. Can't I follow ANYTHING through for once??? This *really* bothers me. What can that say about myself?? It can't say much about my character...and this is yet ANOTHER thing I am ashamed of...
The only thing I can possibly be "proud" about is the fact that I just cannot give up! Here I am changing my life over and over again! I've had so many downs, but I would always pick myself up again very fast! I am not letting it keep me down...Otherwise I would just drown in my own misery of different inabilities....
So, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow the slate is clean again and I can possibly try over.
Yes, that is exactly what I will do. Come Monday, it's "Day 1" all over again!

p.s. I cut my hair real short on Friday, and I LOVE it! :) Will post a pic as soon as I figure out where the cable for my camera is locaated! :>

14 days have begun...

2008-03-11T09:18:00.003-04:00

So, I've started my 14-day "Nutritional Lifestyle Modification Phase 2" yesterday!
So far, so good! One thing I've discovered about myself though, I *hate* eating egg whites without bread! Also, liquid fish oil with a lemon taste still tastes like FISH, and I can hardly swallow it anymore (will have to look into capsules); I *love* pumpernickel bread; I like Almond Butter; and I can definitely drink 3 L of water without spending every minute of the day in the washroom! (Although I probably sweated most of it out in the gym yesterday working with my PT!)
Speaking of the gym - I think my body is changing...It's these subtle differences that I can notice in how my clothes feel now - I think I am a bit slimmer, although the scale doesn't show much yet..I am assured it's the muscle gain, but we'll see....I am actually amazed that I can keep at it with such positivity without seeing so many results so far, since usually I would bail on whatever I was doing and try to ruin it somehow...quit already, and so on....But this time I am haning on! It must be all the good endorphins running through my body these days from exercise! ;)

As far as meditation is going - I am falling asleep every night before I can really make it all out in my head. I really have to try doing this sometimes during the day. I just wish I could find the time! Speaking of which, I do not think I have mentioned here that I am planning on making a yoga/meditation room in my home. I am SO EXCITED about this idea! We will soon do some work in the huge basement of our house, and I have gotten a little corner of it for myself to do whatever I want with it - so I am making this room!!! I still have to work a lot of details in my head of what it will look like! This is so exciting for me, that I keep daydreaming about it regularly! If anybody has any ideas of what a yoga/meditation room should contain or look like - please feel free to make suggestions in the comments area! :)

I have also sent another "wish" to the Universe! This time for someone else (and for me in a sense)...We'll see what comes out of that one! :)

Sore Muscles, Part IV

2008-03-06T16:01:00.002-05:00

Uummmm...aren't sore muscles supposed to last like once after a good workout, and then you get used to the exercising and it never happens again??? I have had 4 sessions with my PT by now, and all 4 times I have had sore muscles for 2-3 days after that! That's CRAZY! PT laughs whenever I tell him this, because he's just more proud of himself for working me so hard every time!
So...today was another session. 1st one after being sick for 3 days...so he was sliiiightly easier on me this time, but still "beet-red-face-worthy"! LOL
I think my body is already showing some progress from that little "boot camp" I am doing, I just wish the scale will catch up now!
Speaking of the scale...As of Monday I am on a "Nutritional Lifestyle Modification Phase 2" specifically prepared for me by my PT!..Which when translated means - "You will starve for the next 14 days" :) Ok..so maybe not starve...but this is STRICT high protein, low carb, insulin regulating program which should kick my butt and kick me into fat burning machine FAST! I'll just think of it as a 14-day-cleansing program, and hopefully I'll survive! I start my regimen on Monday, March 10th. Oh, the plan also says I should drink 3L of water daily! bwaaaahahahaha! Well, we all know where I will be spending the most of those 14 days!!!

Otherwise, doing good...Feeling better about so many things going on. Trying to forget some things (until they resurface again! &%^$%$#$@!, pardon my French)...and then trying to make some other things a LOT better! Like my LIFE, for example :)....
Speaking of Life - I picked up some great CD's the other day at Chapters (have I mentioned that this is my Holy Place, already?) - "The Law Of Attraction" (Audio Book)...and "Meditations For Entering The Temples On The Other Side". These are both GREAT! I am particularly happy with "meditations" cd, as I have experienced some great new sensations while meditating to it!
..and speaking of the "Law of Attraction" - I have bought another book which has been showing up here and there for me for days now! The first time I saw it in the movie "Serendipity"...The book is called: "A Love In The Time Of Cholera".....and then I see it at Chapters staring at me from the bookshelf! I picked it up; and read this summary:

"In their youth, Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza fall passionately in love. When Fermina eventually chooses to marry a wealthy, well-born doctor, Florentino is devastated, but he is a romantic. As he rises in his business career he whiles away the years in 622 affairs--yet he reserves his heart for Fermina. Her husband dies at last, and Florentino purposefully attends the funeral. Fifty years, nine months, and four days after he first declared his love for Fermina, he will do so again."

I think it is enough to say that I had to have it....

....that which is like unto itself is drawn...

About dreams & dreaming...

2008-03-03T18:41:00.004-05:00

Here I am..home sick today, as I probably got another virus from my son. A stomach bug again which has kept me sitting on a "white throne" for most of the day today! I really do not wish this on anybody!
Today was supposed to be my weigh-in day too - but I skipped it because of the said virus. It would not have been a true picture of my progress anyways...

So, I had some revelations about dreaming! I wrote to my friend in Norway, who is a psychologist...We go way back - we lived in the same building I grew up in, played in the dirt together, walked to school together, and she has spent most of my teenage years comforting me about some boyfriend or another :)....So here I am years later writing to her, still complaining, and she still comes back with the wisdom of a hundred-year-old!
So, to get back to our subject: "dreaming"..
She tells me that it is basically GREAT that I dreamt some things because it definitely means I am working on those issues! (where have I heard that before??? LOL)..but now she goes further to tell me that all the people we dream about actually represent US! Different parts of us...We play ALL the parts in our dreams...the good, the bad, and the ugly! This has REALLY set my mind in motion as I tried to think of what these various parts of "me" told me in my dream, and I was dumbfounded by the simplicity of it all...when you look at it that way - IT REALLY MAKES SENSE! You start connecting the dots...you see yourself through the eyes of these supposedly other people, but they are actually YOUR perceptions of what those people are thinking! She also told me that if we dream something really awful, for example if someone in our dream really hurts us - we are only giving ourselves opportunity to go through that experience through a dream so we may deal with it better in reality! See, those things only help us accept and understand some things that may be too hard to accept in real life, because they would just plain hurt too much!
So, armed with this new knowledge, and stuck in bed for most of the day today, I have really thought about these things, and I can say again that I am letting some things go...
Yes, it may not seem like I am, but I am working on it; and that is enough for now...At least I am really, really trying! *sheepish grin*

P.P.S.

2008-02-29T15:33:00.002-05:00

That white $#@& is falling. AGAIN!

I give up.

NOT!

2008-02-29T15:10:00.003-05:00

So, apparently, I was wrong! I have not let go of ONE thing that was bothering me.
Last night I had a dream SO VIVID that I can't seem to shake off the whole day today. I will not describe it, as it is too personal...but I seem to be breaking down whenever I think about it. Darn it! How can something that happened 7 years ago bug me so much, to the point of immobility!..so bad...I don't even think about this consciously, I really don't!
Can my EGO really be that big to keep onto something like this??? I wish I could just let go...This is nothing but pure pain! *sigh*
Excuse me for not being clear about this - I am just dumping it here in hopes it will pass!

On a better note - saw my PT again! I feel tired now sitting here at my desk at work - but GOOD tired! He tells me I constantly surprise him of how good I am doing...meaning - he shows me the exercise once, and I do it without mistakes (dying! but no mistakes people!) :) Proper posture and everything..So I guess that is something I should be proud of?? ...He repeatedly challenges me to do more, and I have to say I am good at taking those challenges! One of these days, I will kick HIS butt! LOL It's funny, when we get to stretching, he can't do anything to challeng me, as I am quite "bendy and stretchy" let's say, so he's quite boggled with that one! tee hee I guess that Ballet long ago, and Yoga recently, has done SOMETHING right! LOL
All in all, good stuff!

Work is treating me good - but it's getting *CRAZY* with meetings a bit! I am wondering when do I actually have time to do some WORK?! So...that has led me to conclude that you really have to be careful of what you wish for! :> I have wanted variety in my work day for so long, but now it's getting RIDICULOUS!!!!

I also have to say I've gotten some good comments about my work up to now, so I hope I can continue with that pace and get even better!

Ok...so writing all this has made me feel a LITTLE better than at the start of this message....but still, I obviously have a lot to work on. And, as I've concluded in my tag-line on MSN Messenger - dreaming really SUCKS for me lately!...Yes, I am releasing stress, but some things I wish I didn't know...SERIOUSLY!

p.s. Can't wait for "Grey's Anatomy" to come back! :>

I let it go.

2008-02-26T15:13:00.003-05:00

Uummmm, how many times can you have sore muscles in a week???
I thought I already went through this the first time I had a session with my PT, when I couldn't walk for like 3 days! Yesterday I had another session with him, and now I am in pain all over again!!! WOW! He is kicking my butt! (I can say "butt" on here....can I??? lol)
Well...you should all be proud of me! I definitely am! I am sticking to this one, getting myself to the gym for most of my lunches...and then seeing PT 2 times a week...not bad at all!
I definitely feel different about everything this time...so, we'll see if it sticks!

Since starting meditation on a regular basis, I have had even more weird dreams than usual...Not weird in a sense that I am dreaming about aliens or something...just weird about the situations and people I am dreaming about..I was told during a meditation course that when dreaming we're just releasing all the stress we accumulated, and sometimes what you dream about can pinpoint what you have been unknowingly stressing about! I can honestly say I feel a lot better about some things in my past, as I've let go of so many "why's"? in my dreams....I feel like I can finally go on.
As one of my favourite quote said once "I have given up hope of having a better past"...so have I let go of some things that were bothering me...
Just one thing, though - no, it doesn't mean that you forget things. As my meditation teacher has wisely said - situations don't change, it is YOU who changes and your relationship to that situation...You let go! It is out of your hands...Yet once more, you become a compassionate observer...and THAT my friends, is what it is all about! :)

Who are you calling fat?!?!

2008-02-22T21:21:00.005-05:00

So, I am in the washroom today at work and I am washing my hands...I look in the mirror in front of me and give myself a full body scan. Disgustingly I throw a look at myself and whisper "fat pig" under my breath, and I turn and walk away.
...
..
.
WTF??? Would I ever treat my friends like this?? ANYBODY I care about??? Would I even think "fat pig" if I saw an overweight person passing by??? NO! So, why do I treat myself like that???
After I got out of the bathroom, it hit me like a ton of bricks - I really do not LIKE myself - not to mention LOVE! No wonder I am in shape that I am, and in STATE that I am....
So, I gave myself a good talking to, and promised myself I won't do it anymore! This is the first time I am dealing with this. I have done it for so long - it was even UNDERSTANDABLE for me to hate how I look...to hate all the little things that are not just *perfect*...What the heck was I thinking?
I think that people in general have this problem, because if we all loved ourselves - we would all be the healthiest we can be! We would all eat right, walk right, behave right...We would be like pampered babies! None of us would have any doubts; our self-esteem would soar and nobody would be able to bring us down...We would be our own best friends, and life would just be great!
So, do you know a person like that???? I can honestly say I've NEVER in my life met a person that truly loved themselves...
Yes, you can meet people who are self-confident when they talk to you...who you think nothing can touch...but then those people go home and fuss about something they hate about themselves...
How in the world do we approach this??

Ok...I am on it!

Note to myself: Learn how to love yourself, Mirela! Truly, madly, deeply!

New Year, New ME!

2008-02-20T15:32:00.003-05:00

Yes..I know I am quite late with "New Year's Resolutions"...but so much has happened since the last time I've written anything, that I simply do not know where to begin!
First of all, now I am free to write what REALLY was the problem of my deep melancholy and frantic search for "that something" that could explain my life. It was my darn old job! While it was a great company and good people that I worked with, I just didn't like the JOB! Mechanical Design? Are you kidding me? 8 hours in front of the computer staring at the same screen the whole day - I was just wasting away (and I do not mean physically - I wish!)...
That said, I didn't know if I had it in me to find the new job and start anew.
I started looking at job search websites and have sent a few resumes out expecting nothing really, but then I got THE call! Actually - I got THE e-mail LOL....It was for the position of a Project Lead at RIM, and they were interested in having me for the interview...To make the long story short - I GOT THE JOB!...And I am basically on cloud 9, ever since... :)
This new turn of getting to do something I actually like every day, has given me newfound strength to really attack my weight and do it right this time.
While I still follow everything I've learned in nutrition, I have turned now to what I think I lacked, and that is excersise! That was one part of it all that I have struggled to begin again, after so many years....Starting to work at RIM has really pushed me to do that, because they pay a considerable amount of my gym memebership, but then I went even a step further and got myself a Personal Trainer! ;) (whome I'll call PT from now on...) Now that is a TREAT! Expensive treat!..but a treat non-the-less :)...
I have only had one session with him by now, but after it, I couldn't walk for 3 days straight! HA! Muscles hurt that I didn't even know I had! So, I guess that was a good sign! :>

So...I am working on this:

Eating as per WW points plan and nutritional guide I had from before
Working out with the PT 2 times per week
Working out by myself in the gym 3 times per week
Being kind to myself
Meditating and finding inner peace for it all

Not bad...

I have NEVER been fatter, and not pregnant..so I can't say enough how sick I am of all of this - of draging around this extra weight that has now put me in the OBESE range (according to my BMI)...I do not recognize myself anymore...I have become this "fat girl" in the group...people around me do not know me as I was before...they do not know that I've been slim once, so I have established this perception in my environment which is just not right, and I feel cheated of everytihng that I deserve! That I can BE!

But I am getting there...Just watch me!

I am in...deep...

2007-12-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

Well, it's almost Christmas!
Days are really flying by, as I try to figure out my future! More and more I feel that this is really it - the "turn of the century" for me...that big things are going to happen...and some possibly worse to be able to get better!..but it's going..it's moving...and I think I am just holding my breath!

I have been studying like crazy! Finished my two courses for project management - enrolled into a thrid one starting January..Also, now that my nutrition books are here - I have written a paper on "Shiatsu Therapy", finished a test on "How to give nutrition advice legally"...and am dug deep into Biology, as well as Holistic Approach to Nutrition! HA!..See, I am not just sitting on my behind doing nothing ;)...

Don't ask me about my weight! While I want to get there and get skinny and beautiful, and healthy...I am really not in a position to concentrate on it right now. Who has time for weight loss when your life is changing?? Jokes on the side though, I just don't have the strength to do it now...To give it the attention it deserves...I think I am mostly just not ready to love myself yet!..That is all it really comes down to. It is *that* simple! And I will not love myself until I bring my life to order by figuring out who I really am and what I want to do with my life. It is scary that it all boils down to my profession (pretty much), but isn't it what I spend my time doing the most in my life?? An average person spends about 8.5 hours at work every day!...Out of 16 wake hourse, we spend more than half of it working!...and don't forget the drive to and from work, which takes at least an hour of my day also...So, basically about 60% of my life is just work!..and 40% has to spread on family, friends, hobbies, WHATEVER! No wonder...

One other thing...
Isn't it amazing how when you open one door, other doors appear?... Nooks and nieches you've never seen before, suddenly appear, as if out of nowhere! Again, I really believe it is the Law of Attraction at work...Once you start to show an intrest in something, the life just presents more of the same, and you're drawn into it more and more...
Be it some new area of study, your new hobby, the book you've read and loved, so you just suddenly start finding more and more of the same theme everywhere...I believe that that is exactly what's been happening to me. I have shown an intrest in nutrition, and not just "nutrition" - but a HOLISTIC approach to it...a whole other realm on some higher frequency, which ecnompasses our bodies into one whole being...Where the body is treated overall, and not just a particular organ or "disease"...All the while, while I am studying the analytical side of it, I feel the presence of this higher energy, which lays undiscovered, but by a few...and it's scary, yet fascinating, and I think I belong!

...

On my way!

2007-12-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

Well, the books for module 1 of my nutrition studies have arrived! I can hardly wait every night, after my kids have gone to bed, to start studying and working on my tests! I hope this enthusiasm lasts! LOL For now, it's going great!
Yesterday was such a happy day too! I took a vacation day off work, and went into my nutritionist's office and worked with her for the entire day! Just calling the clients to reschedule appointments, taking inventory of different homeopathic remedies, and pricing them, has made my day. Throughout the whole day though, I have talked to R. (which is how I will refer to my nutritionist from now on) about nutrition, and business! I took in so much, and have felt a great energy around myself the whole day! It's amazing how such things as changing what you do in a day can make or break your whole feeling of happiness! It then hit me how doing something you dread every day can make you SO SICK! I guess my only solution for now would be to try and convince myself that I have to do my job in order for me to be able to enjoy "nutrition". That's what it really falls down to - at least for now.
I have also talked to R. about food and how I had not been able to concentrate on losing weight, and she has completely understood my problem.
I have told her, it's not about the food anymore at all! It's all mental and connected to our emotions. I have understood the reasons of why I eat what I eat and how much - it's because I feel so "unwell" all the time! Be it anxiety, or just plain "not great" feeling, I have tried to bring myself up to par by eating, thinking it will give me "energy"..."fuel to continue with my duties"...."fuel to be a mom....a wife...a good employee..." Yet, I have been failing miserably, totally aware of the fact that the more I disregard my diet, I will continue to feel unwell, and will probably then continue to gain weight too...
The "compassionate observer" in me has also reminded me that I am on medication! I mean, it's amazing that I am even holding steady at a certain weight, considering that I am taking medication which completely slows down my metabolism and works against everything in my body to lose weight.
The simple fact is - I need to somehow maintain my focus, and I NEED EXERCISE! Now we just have to find the time for me to actually *do* it!

On a completely different topic - I am enjoying this Christmas season. Although I have not yet put up my tree, nor bought any presents - I am excited to start! This coming weekend will all be dedicated to starting off a Christmas season in my home! :) Can't wait!

Universe <-- "Closed For Repair"

2007-11-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

As you may have noticed, I have not written in a while. The reason is simple, really...My mind is in overdrive, and I am all over the place! At the same time, I do *NOT* want to be negative, nor give off a "negative energy", so I am not writing...because there is, unfortunately, nothing good to report, or say! Well, not yet!

Weight-wise, I have not progressed at all. If anything, I have taken about 10 steps back! I have no idea why! I am trying to understand myself...my logic of things!? I have found this great way to LOSE IT..yet I have no desire to follow the plan and stick to it for longer than a few days! And as much as I know how this weight loss journey can have so many ups and downs, I am still trying to understand it, and the psychology behind it. How can someone who wishes so much to be healthy and at a healthy weight, work so much against it?? Explain it to me! I am trying...but I am also starting to give up understanding....
It sucks - I really thought I was ready this time... *sigh*

However, everything else that is happening to me seems to be working on some higher level! (I am sure you're confused as heck, trying to understand what I am talking about :)...but trust me, I'll get you there.) I have started to ask a lot from the Universe - maybe too much at once, because I am being bombarded with all kinds of things falling in my lap! Mainly, I have started on this road to try and completely change my life, as you now know it. My logic is this - I am extremely unhappy about some things...and I have let my life lead me wherever for years....getting myself stuck in 'unhappiness' even further...deeper...It's all mostly connected to my profession - trying to find my purpose in life. Although I have children, no, I do not think that my purpose is solely to be a parent...and although I am a wife, that too does not define me. So what is it? A Mechanical Engineer? pfft! PLEASE! Even a combination of all of those....I am just getting further and further from who I really am! I am getting LOST! So, my quest now for the optimal connection of body, mind, and soul, has reached magnificent proportions!
Ever since walking into my nutritionist's office, I have felt a strange energy vibrating through me. It suddenly seemed that every step I took, and every person that I met, was DESTINY! Mainly that whole field I have touched..."nutrition"! But not just nutrition in the pure physical, analytical sense: knowing what and how to eat....but nutrition as a way of HEALING! That strange and vibrating energy suddenly tickled me: "Could this be what I am meant to be doing?? Am I really considering that inside myself I can find a person who could be able to lead someone ELSE on a road and quest to optimal health?"...I know - irony is jumping at me too, with all the bells and whistles! Here I am, overweight and anxious....considering that I just may have been born to really be a nutritionist! But isn't it perfect??? Don't we really understand somebody perfectly ONLY when we have gone through something similar?? I am starting to consider the possibility that all these hardships that I am going through, are really meant for me to just gain the ability to understand these problems so well, so I may be able to help someone else, who may suffer from the same, or similar problem!
So, what have I done? I have researched schools on nutrition throughout the country, and have found a school that will give me the ability to finish all of the required courses through distance education. Even more perfect is the fact that I can completely finish this at my own pace, with absolutely no deadlines! (Although, I really do plan to finish this as soon as possible)....At the same time, my nutritionist and I are talking, and she mentions that she would love to have an intern! HA!...While I may not be able to just quit my job and intern with her....we *are* in the talks of me doing some things for her that may qualify as me working a bit in that profession, and helping with the business in general!
So...here I am....applied to and enrolled at the School of Nutrition...awaiting my books to come any day now....dabbling with internship at my nutritionist's office...still being a mom, a wife...AND an engineer, who is taking courses at a local college to enhance her project management skills! LOL And I am wondering why I cannot concentrate on losing weight??? Hahaha!

Somewhere in the Universe, I am seeing the file on my life being edited - someone out there is brain-storming, crumbling papers, erasing stuff, writing, adding, subtracting, pondering - I am definitely making them work for their "eternal contentment". *wink*

"The doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will interest his patient in the care of the human frame, in diet and in the cause and prevention of disease."
--Thomas A. Edison

Using "The Secret"!

2007-11-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today started of with a BANG!
I was getting ready for work this morning, and was actually running late, when the phone rang! I look at the display, it says "91.5 THE BEAT" - I am already excited, but want to hear it before I can believe it! It's Adele from the morning show from my favourite radio station - and she's calling me to tell me I won the "professionally catered dinner for me, 5 of my friends, and Mocha and Adele IN MY HOME!"...I can't believe it, yet I do! Deep down inside me I am shouting - YES, I KNEW IT! I have not said this aloud yet - but I KNEW I would win it! Which is amazing, because I've never really won anything in my life...but when I entered this contest online, I just knew it was mine! I was imagining it..I was making the guest list..already figured my husband wouldn't be into it so much, so I comprised a list of my girlfriends which I would invite...it was just MINE and I knew it...I just waited for that call to confirm what I already knew!..Even when I talked to one of my girlfriends at lunch, I said: "when I win this dinner...."....not IF I win it...but WHEN!...
Then it hit me - I have used and PROVED the "Law of Attraction" - THE SECRET!
I know it may be out there for people to grasp that concept, thinking that it can't be that easy that you really get everything you believe you'll get. If that were true, wouldn't we all be rich, healthy, looking and feeling great every day?? But, you'll be surprised that it is not that easy believing that you already got something when you doubt yourself every step of the way.
Since reading the book "The Secret" - I have tried to have faith, and use the power of positive thinking into making me "thin"...that is, trying to believe I can, AND WILL, do it! That I will lose this weight just like that..But it just didn't work...Why??? I really did imagine the number on the scale forever, yet it didn't work like the books said it would! I almost threw the book in the garbage, when I actually realized: It can't work, because I am still doubting myself every step of the way...I really don't believe that I can, and will do it...It is just not easy believing and trusting the universe when you think you know yourself too well for it to ever change!
...
It is weird though, now that I have proved that the "Law of Attraction" really works on little things - by winning this dinner (I refuse to believe it was just a coincidence! lol), it has given me a little nudge to start believing in myself a bit more...To dare and expect things that I thought were impossible....To even dare to think that me, Mirela, am worthy of receiving and witnessing miracles!

I am in awe.

A Moment...

2007-11-15T13:38:00.000-05:00

"Every day, God gives us, as well as the sun,

a moment when it is possible to change anything

that is causing us unhappiness.

The magic moment

is the moment when a "yes" or a "no"

can change our whole existence.

Every day, we try to pretend

that we do not see that moment,

that it does not exist,

that today is the same as yesterday

and that tomorrow will be the same too.

However, anyone who pays close attention

to his day will discover the magic moment.

It might be hidden in the instant

that we put the key in the door in the morning,

in the moment of silence after supper,

in the thousand and one things

that appear to us to be the same.

This moment exists,

a moment in which all the stregth of the stars

flows through us

and allows us to perform miracles."

Taken from

"BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I

SAT DOWN AND WEPT"

by Paulo Coelho

Duh!

2007-11-14T13:28:00.001-05:00

No wonder I have been messing up with food these past few days - It is "that time of the month" and I haven't even realized it before! Well, I feel a bit better now...but I do still cringe at the thought of tomorrow's weigh in! Oh, that won't be a pretty picture...I stepped on my scale this morning and I almost cried - gained more than a pound...don't know how much for sure - it will all be revealed by tomorrow....*oy vey!*
...
Oh, but yesterday I had a blast! Went to my daughter's "observation class" at JK - I was there for half an hour, and she just sat there and read books in the book centre....alone....I knew right away it was a "show" she put on for me LOL...I mean she loves books, but seeing her so "important" in her little world yesterday, really made me smile as I watched her...It reminded me of myself greatly...her back was so straight as she sat on that little mat on the floor...head held almost too high for her to be able to actually "read" books LOL....You could see - she thinks of herself as "royalty"...and in a weird way, I was proud. :) She's truly a "princess".
...Oh..and then I went shopping! Found great button-down shirts for cheap at Winners (and still managed to spend over $180!)...I have to stop doing that! Talk about "retail therapy"! I *invented* the stuff!
Then came the best part of the day - haircut! I had my scalp, my shoulders, and my hands thoroughly massaged, as I sat there and joked with Lara (my hairdresser). She was great...I didn't do anything "big" to my hair, but I did decide for bangs - "side bangs" that is...They really look great! She then proceeded to cut my hair in layers and then roll my hair around velcro rollers ...so when she was done, I had this posh, wavy, "only-for-special-occasions" do, that I told her I feel like a "sex kitten"! *Purrrrrrrr*
And so, looking like a Victoria's Secret Model (minus the fabulous body), I proceeded to go home and make dinner. Oh-so-glam! LOL

Again, on a completely different note:
I noticed something...When I do not eat properly, my garbage can at work is overflowing with garbage! Various wrappers, papers, leftovers...yet, when I am eating right, I hardly have anything in there! Conclusion - to eat healthy, actually means eating foods you prepare, rather than foods you buy wrapped and processed!..Ok, ok...I have not invented warm water here...but the clarity with which it struck me was just so overwhelming! That simple thing I noticed, just told me everything about myself...who would think your "garbage" can talk to you!!! *shocked*

I am so scared about tomorrow...but yet excited at the same time, cause I am sensing a change coming over me! Like something big is about to happen....

To be, or not to be...

2007-11-12T15:31:00.000-05:00

Guess who's been to the grocery store yesterday and bought all the "right" foods to eat?! Oh, and now guess who's been eating everything "WRONG" while having perfectly "right" foods available??? Yeah, me....*double sigh*
No, I won't be negative anymore or philosophical and ask "why, why, why?"...I will just accept the fact that I messed up and will pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on a hopefully good track this time!
I am taking tomorrow as "vacation day"..and while I still have some stuff to do tomorrow - I will use that day to "rejuvenate" and gather some new stregth to go on! I am also thinking of a new haircut?? To "bang" or not to "bang"? That is truly the question..... LOL
I am thinking bangs..but I am not sure...I may bounce this idea on some friends of mine...
...
On a completely different note,
I've been told today that I am quite "defensive"! And I admit that in a given situation I was overly defensive...but am I really like that in general? I like to think of myself as being "fair" and saying what I truly believe - admit that I am wrong when I am wrong, and say that I am right when I am right....so I am thinking - how do you still say what you mean, and not come through as being "defensive"??? What if that person is always accusing you of things that you see as being unfair or just plain not true! Won't you keep saying they're wrong and keep trying to convince them otherwise??? What does defensive mean anyways - is it a "negative" trait??
In Webster's Dictionary word "defensive" is described as:

"devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack "

Well, I don't see that as negative at all...I would rather be defensive, than meek and taken advantage of! Thank you very much....

Am I being defensive again??? bwaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... :>

That next breath I took...

2007-11-09T14:40:00.001-05:00

I gulfed down an oatmeal raisin cookie....

*sigh*

Rant of the day!

2007-11-09T13:36:00.001-05:00

OK...so I am messing up on all fronts! My eating is terrible, to say the least! ...and I don't even know why!!! I fully understand that my nutritionist will weigh me on Thursday night, yet I have regained some of my pounds lost already! I really thought that having to be accountable to someone else will really keep me on track..but it turns out I gave myself permission to be "bad", and I didn't even deserve it! What gives????
I am really confused...and confusion leads to more stress...more stress leads to being terrible with my food choices...In fact, I am PUNISHING myself??!!! Can that be it??? Gosh, this is so complicated...
So, when am I going to stop doing that? When am I going to realize that I *do* deserve all the good things life has to give! When am I going to realize that I do not need that protective layer of "fat" to shield me from the world! What am I afraid will happen???
..
I realize I am being so negative, but I really don't know how to turn it around just yet...What do I say to myself? "Tomorrow I'll be good again?"...But no, let's think - what would I say to a good friend of mine if they needed some help with this?? I would say: "No, don't wait till tomorrow! Turn it around in the next breath you take..that next step you make!...Why wait??"
..
I went to my "sanctuary" last night - Chapters! :) ...and while browsing new books I found this book called "LIFE - Selected Quotations" by Paulo Coelho....my favourite writer! It was the most perfect thing I could ever find in that store! I bought it right away of course, and now feel like reading the little quotes over and over again...They're so inspiring! I remember reading "The Alchemist" he wrote and how wonderful I felt about being alive then! It's amazing how some one's written word can influence your whole life!
So, one of the quotes from "The Alchemist" says:

"A search always starts with Beginner's Luck and ends with the Test of the Conqueror."

Ha! Well I definitely began with the "Beginner's Luck"...and I am nowhere near the end, yet I feel tested to my limits!
This will *obviously* be an interesting journey!
Feel like sticking around? ;)

The Beginnings...

2007-11-08T17:34:00.001-05:00

Well, I am here! I've read so many of my friends' thoughts, even strangers', all the time fighting the urge to try and do it, too! I've started to write so many journals (you should see how many unfinished notebooks I have!)...but I would get bored. Honestly? After so many hours spent on the computer and typing becoming that main mode of communication - I am just not into *writing* any more!...So here it is...I am going to try and *type* my thoughts onto this imaginary 'paper'...
Reason for this? I think I am at major crossroads in my life! After giving birth to my son last year, I have completely lost myself...who I was, what my purpose in life was! I have gained this huge amount of weight during pregnancy which stuck with me to this day, and not only that...I have become this anxious, major-panic-attacks, tired, overweight, losing-my-mind, just-plain-LOST person....
For a whole year on maternity leave I have battled anxiety and panic attacks by plain "psycho-therapy" - meaning I have gone to a counsellor at the post-birth clinic here in my hometown and chatted every week...I had very good days...and then very bad days! I would think I am getting better, and then something would happen and I would hit the rock bottom! After the whole year, I have finally admitted to the world and myself I need more help..and started taking anti-depressants...and yeah, I've gotten "better"....better in a sense that physically I don't get panic attacks any more...but psychologically, I don't think I am even close to finding what set me so bad in the first place!
All the while I am 'flipping' at the fact that I can't lose any weight and that everyone that knows me has basically lost trust in me that I can do it! No, no one has said it to my face....but somehow I read it...friends telling you "you can do it!!"..."hey, great job on that pound lost!"...but deep down I am seeing: "poor you...you will just fail again"...or is that just my reflection in them??? I think I really don't trust myself that I am able to do this and THAT is the main reason for my inability to stick to something and follow it through!
...
It's been 3 months that I have started taking anti-depressants, and fine - I am less anxious..but hardly there to call myself "a healthy" person! Over the years I have come to recognize that it's not just important to look good, but to FEEL good! And that's what I want..oh GOD, how I want to FEEL GOOD! ...Yes, I've done "Weight Watchers Online" and it worked for me great after the first pregnancy...but after this second one, it's just not cutting it! I am losing the interest in it after the first week of counting the points and trying to make myself move and earn some "activity points"! My blood sugars are crashing left and right because I really don't know what, when, and HOW to eat!..So, what do I do? I decide that I will seek the guidance of a registered nutritionist! I think that was the best thing that happened in my LIFE! Not only have I found someone who will truly guide me through this maze of "achieving your optimal health" - but I have found a friend who BELIEVES IN ME!..and when I read her words of encouragement she writes in her e-mails to me, I almost want to shake her and tell her: "Come to your senses! It's me! Mirela! Person who starts out great but it's just a mirage! It's not a true picture...the will will be lost, and she will be a disappointment again! It will just be another thing she will add to her list of failures!"....
...
OMG...Do I really think this of myself??? By creating this blog - I think I have created a *monster*!!! A reflection of myself I don't want to see!!!! But I think I will have to...after all I can't give up again!!! I just can't!
This will be it! I will find her! I will find the goddess in me and let her out for the world to see!!!
Just you wait...